There is this poem http://www.deardiary.net/show/diaries/129617/1104451200 I really like it. Go read it now, before reading the rest of this entry.

I can't tell you how many times I have reached out in the night searching for someone who isn't there. Reaching over to feel the sheets and the pillows I have stacked beside me, taking the place of someone who isn't there, but I constantly feel should be.

I reach for this person as if I should be sandwiched between them and "The One". After holding the one while we fall asleep I roll over expecting to touch someone, expecting to rest my head on their sensuous flesh, but no one is ever there. Only the pillow, and I hug it as I long for whoever is supposed to be there. When I lay on my side facing "The One" I pull the pillow up snug behind me as if the heat bouncing back at me off it could take the place of someone being there.

I've never heard anyone else express this emptiness in their bed when the bed already contains two. It's nice to know I'm not as weird as most people reading this probably think I am.

I feel so inadequate every time I talk with "The One" about who I want to be sexually. It always starts off with good intentions. I intend to tell him how I feel and what I'd like and that we need to find a way to make it work because that's simply who I am. It always ends up with me dieing inside wishing I felt nothing at all that could ever hurt him and I generally never even get to the point I wanted to make. I just look up into his eyes, see his pain at my stupidity at not being able to be good, and I die inside. I just want to slink away into a corner and hide. I don't want him to see me, I don't want him to know how I truly feel, because it hurts him and his pain hurts me.

and then when I am hidden away, I resent him for either not saying how he really feels or for not letting me say how I really feel. I resent him for making me feel small and inferior and undesirable. I always come away feeling undesirable and unworthy and unlovable.

Speaking of not so pleasant feelings I think I felt my first twinge of jealousy tonight. "The Other" and I were having one of our marathon online chats and he told me about a girl at work that he was flirting with and is going to ask out. I'm not the jealous type and I honestly think him having a real girlfriend who could be with him openly would be great for him. I encouraged him to ask her out, but for a moment I was overcome with this reeling feeling of how could he know enough about this girl to want to ask her out without me ever hearing about her. What happens if she's all that and he fades away from being in my life because he is so busy being a great lover for her (and I certainly hope he is, kind of). But for a moment I felt that fear of loss, and the best word for that feeling is jealousy. It passed in about a minute but it was a weird experience anyway.

"The One" and I have put our profile on a polypersonals site in search of a girl that we can get to know. I still get the impression that it's not really ok with "The One" but as long as it's just an abstract idea and I haven't found that girl, he'll smile and say it sounds great.

Missed opportunities.

Often times a simple word, a simple action, a simple comment could have changed a lifetimes worth of events. In the case of relationships that could have been they are referred to as the "if only". If only I had known then. . .

There have been many opportunities for me to know what "The One" or "The Other" were truly thinking that would have definitely changed my actions, but alas they told me to make up my own mind, without knowing their opinions. Never mind that the opinion of one of them might have drastically changed the outcome of any of the events. Some of the main missed opportunities in my life that involved "The One" or "The Other" are:

The first annual work camp out that ended up after the first hour or two with just "The Other" and I sitting alone by a fire getting to know each other. Although I was a virgin, I must have been ovulating and if he had told me he wanted me then I probably would have taken him. I can guarentee if he had asked I would have at least made out with him.

I broke up with "The One" the summer before we got married and I half expected "The Other" to make a move, or at least tell me he wanted to make a move. He never did. And I got back together with "The One"

"The One" was being told by his mom that I was evil incarnate, and I felt like I was losing him. So one late night after work "The Other" and I sat by a lake in his car and talked about everything. He tried then to tell me how he felt without ever actually saying anything, and I completely missed it between him giving me the advise that would lead to my marriage and years of happiness that followed. Having known then might have really changed things. It was because of that conversation that the activities that let to the lovechild's conception took place.

"The One" proposed and then unproposed to me enough times that I really questioned how he truly felt. I don't think I ever got a straight answer, and I sometimes feel like the only reason he married me was because of a guilt trip set by my pastor and my swearing up and down that if he left me pregnant I'd never allow him to see the child. I often feel like I should have left the decision to him, but if my pull hadn't outweighed his mother's (she was adamant that marriage would be the ruin of him) then he would have missed the first year of his child's life, and I would have been a single mom working my ass off before I died of a horrible disease and left the child in the hands of a father who had never met him. Actually I just wish he had owned how he felt and hadn't let the women in his life make the decision without knowing for sure how he really felt.

When "The Other" and I began to talk online every night, I asked "The One" how this made him feel and he said that he didn't care. And he probably didn't, it was mostly harmless back then, but if it had made him at all nervous that would have been a great time to speak up.

"The One" went on a trip, I invited "The Other" down and that was the beginning of bad things. I told "The One" all about what happened with "The Other" and instead of telling me I should never speak to another man again as long as I live, he said it was my decision.

Any of the times I have cut things off with "The Other" he has told me it was my decision and he would abide by it. Fuck that, I know he wanted to say something along the lines of don't you even think about it, I want you more, and I'm going to have you. But not a once was anything remotlely like that said.

After the "all's fair in love and war" conversation I talked about things with "The One" and instead of telling me that he didn't think it was a good idea, or that he would be jealous and he wanted me all to himself, he simply told me to do what I needed to, that I could make my own decisions based on how I felt. I even tried explaining to him that his opinion made a huge impact on my actions, but he refused to offer an opinion other than it was my choice.

So I made some of my choices based on the way I felt and then I found out all sorts of opinions that would have impacted my actions had I known about them previously.

Even now neither of them are stating their real opinions. "The One" holds firm to his idea that I should make my decision not knowing how he feels about it, because obviously I know what he's thinking and know how he feels about it, because it's just so fuckingobvious that I couldn't get the answer wrong.

And we won't even go into "The Other" and not doing anything with the way he feels. That'd be a whole other long rant that I don't have an inclination for.

Suffice to say, open and honest communication would have helped.

Dear "The One"
I feel like something is missing from my life. I don't know what it is or I would already be out pursuing it, and I"m pretty sure that something is missing sexually. Maybe I'm a lesbian, Maybe I need more sexual attention than any one person can give, maybe I just need a guide to getting it on. Honestly I can't think of anything that is missing only that something is. Maybe what I need is to be more busy so I don't notice that there is something missing, maybe I need a job, or a pregnancy, or any number of other things that I just can't put my finger on at the moment. From the outside things look like they are going so well. You look like you can deal with what I've done and support me while I become the devoted wife you deserve and I've already hurt you so much that it makes me ache to think of telling you about this new need, or rather old need that I was meeting in a way that was unsatisfactory to maintaining a healthy relationship. I don't really want to have to explore. I'd like to be able to just stay with you, never questioning, never knowing there is something else out there, but for some reason something isn't right and I want more than anything to figure it out and be happy sexually. It's not really that I'm unhappy sexually. I mean you are fabulous in the bedroom. I almost always cum several times while we are going at it. But somehow there seems to be something that I'm not getting from the experience anyway. Maybe it's as simple as communication, maybe it's as simple as romance and wanting to wanted. Maybe it's that I feel unworthy of you and that I unfairly trapped you into a relationship that you didn't want. Maybe I deep down question if you are here because of a commitment you made out of desperation or if you are really here for me, or if you made the right decisions for the right reasons back then if you are hanging on for false reasons now that I am someone different. I wonder if I am hanging on for the wrong reasons, but then I can't think of any reason I wouldn't want to be with you, You are fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. You treat me like gold even when I don't deserve it. You help raise the lovechild, you pay the bills, you take out the trash and run the laundry, you get along swimmingly with my family. I can't for the life of me figure out what is missing, only that something is and I feel unwhole with it. Please be understanding with me while I'm a pain in the ass.

So I'm going through steroid withdrawals. It isn't the most pleasant experience of life, but I've had worse, which really has nothing to do with me bringing up that I am going through steroid withdrawals. The reason I bring it up is because in my mind I'm comparing it to going through "The Other" withdrawals, which I am currently experiencing too. It's really not so bad just leaving me with a mild desire to stay up way to late and talk to him when I have to be up early in the morning.

I told "The One" about what prompted me to cut off communication with "The Other" this time, and we had three different discussions about it and other things. They were conversations that we probably really needed. I tend to learn about myself when "The One" asks me questions I had never thought to ask myself. Last night we really got to the meat of what needed to be talked about and although no real future plans were made, at least we both seem to be ok with each other at the moment. Or rather "The One" is ok with me, while I am madly in love with him, and as sick as it sounds I kind of like the tension.

We spent all day with "The One's" family today. I had a marvelous time although it did last longer than I had energy for. I love the way his family interacts. I love the traditional candle ceremony. I love his grandpa, he's such a cute charming old man. "The One" and I sat near each other and appreciated each other's company and significant glances (at least I did). I felt just horrible when everything was going great and then "The One" would get this look on his face like any moment he would turn to me and tell me that I wasn't worthy of his family, wasn't worthy of him. And it almost crushed me to know he could have done it and there would have been nothing I could do to refute it. He never did, although I wouldn't be surprised if he thought it once or twice. And really the whole day went rather well. I didn't even get too overly sore from the car trip.

I broke down and talked to "the other" on the day before Christmas. It wasn't like I just left him a one line message, it was like a many houred IM conversation. It was nice to talk to him, to hear how everything was going for him, and find out what his plans were for holidays (poor bastard has to work). Yesterday evening I messaged him too, but I found that after the previous nights conversation and about ten to twenty minutes there was nothing more to say. I had taken the forbidden out of the fruit by allowing myself to talk to him and I found the fruit was rather bland after the first three bites. So I said goodbye and got on with talking to "The One".

I so want to be the good housewife, mother, and spouse for "The One". I would love to be able to be a stepford wife, but somehow I always mess things up and look more like an uncoordinated slob, with sexually deviant tendencies. Perhaps it is that I feel there is a clock ticking away the seconds till my death and I don't want to miss the experiences of life. Perhaps it is that I am actually homosexual and just never had the time to consider it before I got married( I got married real young, was a virgin till 3 months prior to my wedding, had never masturbated, and had never even had an orgasm). Perhaps it is that I'm a VERY KINKY GIRL and have more sexual energy than I can handle. Whatever it is I need to figure it out, deal with it, and then move on with life. I think knowing what it is that makes all of these desires always present in the back of my mind would help me to know best what to do with them.

Aside from the ever present kinky thoughts about hot lesbians, nothing has happened with the communication stuff, but then it is the holidays and hot lesbians everywhere are probably with their family's trying to act as normal as possible and hoping that no one can read their minds or figure out who they really are inside.

I love you. "The One" please talk with me now.

Just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, Just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, just have to get through it, Just have to get through it. JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH IT.

OMG am I horny, I'm SO incredibly horny. I don't understand, I'm not supposed to be horny yet. I'm supposed to be a crabby bitch from hell for another day or two. I was preparing to knock "The One's" socks off the very moment he walked in the door, but then my brother stopped by and we had a nice dinner and wrapped presents and really had a good time, but I'M SO HORNY!!

"The One" and my lovechild are snuggling on the couch watching The Toy That Saved Christmas. It's one of the moments when I look over at them and know exactly what it is that made me fall so hard for "The One". It's so cute that I just melt into a gooey pile of warmth. Speaking of gooey piles of warmth. . . No naughty, get your mind out of the gutter. Bad naughty.

"The Other" . . . We aren't doing terribly well on the not talking at all thing. We keep sending each other one line messages. I've wanted many times to hold an actual conversation. But I can't think of a way to make it work that wouldn't lead to many more conversations and wanting him sooo bad. This way I just want to talk to him (ok that's not the only thing on my mind, but it's all I can logically expect as a step) but if we were talking then I'd want to see him and then once I saw him I'd want to touch him, and well that's what makes me want to never talk to him again and it all turns into a vicious cycle, not doing it again, not unless it can be real.

so I sent off an email introducing myself to some possible bi-chicks. Should be interesting.

Adding to the trouble. . .

Did I mention that I have a bad habit of doing whatever it is I just said I wouldn't do? Ok so I was having a conversation of the general flirty variety with this guy on-line. I've always flirted with this guy (he's a polyamorist) and it's all just in fun, but anyways I was talking about my threesome fantasies and well he offered to hook me up with some women who are bi-sexual and hot. . .I'm seriously thinking about looking into it. I um. . . I might contact them, maybe even meet them and if we hit it off well. . . Um. . . Then "The One" and I will seriously need to sit down and talk about things.

OMG I just agreed to have my email address given to a chick for the purpose of maybe hooking up. I'm both excited and nervous and hella curious.

I can't say that anything will come of this, afterall I'm looking for more of a long term relationship and not just a one night stand threesome kinda thing (I think) and finding the right girl that both "The One" and I are attracted too, and that is attracted to both of us, might be difficult. And at anytime I might decide I''m not really all that curious and bail on the entire idea, that's not likely to happen being my reaction to the swing club, which really only made me more curious.

I have the most wonderful husband in existence. Yes, I know I was all pissy in the last post. Who cares, that was two days ago. I can't stay mad for two days. Heck I normally can't stay mad for more than five minutes. . . Well maybe ten or twenty. I am so in love with "The One" that I wonder what the hell is wrong with my sick little brain. I can't believe that I ended up so lucky and that I am stupid enough to take it for granted for even one minute. Of course I do take it for granted. I take it for granted all the time. I'm taking it for granted right now. Instead of curling up beside him while he blissfully slumbers away his long hard day of work and play, I'm here thinking about him and a dirty Christmas card.

While shopping today I came across the dirtiest Christmas card I've ever seen. No it wasn't just dirty. . . It was DIRTY. It was so dirty that I couldn't even give it to "The One" if we were alone in our bedroom with candles lit and only our undies on. So instantly I thought how much fun it would be to send it to "The Other" of course this is an absurd idea, I mean what if he opened it in front of his mom? Or really in front of anyone. And how bad would it suck to have it completely confirmed that we are more than friends once we aren't even talking anymore. But none the less the thought crossed my mind and I got a small giggle out of idea.

Oh how I miss talking with "The Other". Something exciting will happen during my day and I think how cool it would be to tell him, to share that enthusiasm, but then I remember I'm trying not to think about him, trying not to be dependent on telling him how much my life rocks. Kinda sad to lose that friendship, but I wouldn't be content for it to be just friendship.

Have I mentioned hot lesbians lately? Yeah I probably have, but I haven't really been putting any serious thought into them. I'm way too tangled in the men to consider adding to the trouble. But I still fantasize about them occasionally and I still say to myself "someday" I don't know what it is that I'm expecting on this "someday" that I talk about, but whatever it is, it'll be great.

Oh you are in so much trouble now, Mr. "The One". I am a mostly patient and understanding woman. . . Sometimes. I don't stress about financing, I don't stress about the house not being clean, I don't stress that you only work a part time job at a place where you spend more money than you make. But when I ask you to take over the paperwork because I'm violently ill and incapable of rational thought for several months and you agree to do so I expect you to do it. No, really I do. In fact I was so confident that you were doing what you told me you were doing, that you were paying the bills and keeping things balanced that I didn't worry when you bought a big screen for the computer, or when you upgraded the computer, or when you purchased DVD's and CD's that were nice but not at all necessary. I didn't worry when you purchased the gamecube. I didn't worry when you went out with your friends, I didn't even consider the money you spend eating out. I didn't worry because the bills were your responsibility and obviously you wouldn't be spending money on frivolous things before the bills were paid. I did my part and asked if there was money before I made any purchases with the checkbook. I requested permission o withdraw cash, I saved my receipts so you could account for everything.

So I got home after not seeing you for a week after not being home in over three weeks. I was sore and I was stiff but I felt great and I loved seeing you. You went off to work and I kissed you goodbye and looked forward to when you would be coming home and I cleaned the kitchen and I took the molding things out of the fridge and I organized the paperwork. . . I wasn't going to do any of it, after all it's your responsibility, but while I was going through and throwing out junk mail and putting things that need to be filed in one pile and things that need attention in another I came across bills from the time I handed the paperwork over to you, unpaid bills. And then I came across bills that had three months of previous payments missed, and then I came across notices of having out services cut off if we don't remit payment in ten days. . . And then I fumed. I feel betrayed. You could have at least told me that you weren't doing jack squat in that area, I would have done it, I would have gotten help if I had needed it, but I would have done it.

I know in the interest of credit rating I should take this responsibility away from you, call the companies, apologies profusely, and never let it happen again, but I can't. You got yourself into this and I'm not saving your ass, not this time. You have to learn. It's your mistake and if I go without internet, or garbage disposal, or even heat, and we eat nothing but pancakes made from the whole wheat I have stored in the basement for months, that's your own goddamn fault and you're going to fix it, not me.

"The Other" just signed in and the very first thought in my head was how much I missed ranting at him when I was mad or moody and how he always stoically took my verbal abuse (especially when it wasn't directed at him) and when he spoke to me, (he welcomed me home) all I could say was "fuck off, I'm in a really bad mood" which is not at all what I meant. but it felt good to tell someone to fuck off and I don't want to give him the impression that it's ok to talk. It's not. Because small one line messages lead to whole conversations and conversations lead to meeting and meeting leads to desires I can't fulfill. Desires I can't have. Because for better or worse I'm married to the idiot who didn't pay our bills but bought lots of toys and even when I''m fuming mad at "The One". He is "The One" and he's mine.

Although right now I feel like I could trade him for a hot lesbian.

Fuck you! You bastard, why the hell did you have to say anything? I just wrote a post in the form of a letter to you and as long as I didn't know for sure you were reading this it was fine. but then you had to speak, had to say something. and now it's just a fucking draft, locked away because I'm scared to tell. FUCK YOU! You know what fuck it. this is my site for my feeling and I don't ever want to hear another fucking word from you that might in anyway imply you know anything of the way I feel or write. This site isn't for you. And even the letter that I'm going to post, because this is MY fucking site, isn't for you. Even if it is adressed to you.

Dear "The Other"
I wish you were all that and a bag of nuts. I wish you were so spectacular that noone would blame me at all for leaving everything behind and running off with you. I wish that you were so incredible that the rest of the world trembled in wonder when you pursued me relentlessly because in comparison I would be nothing. You could be all those things, I'm sure. But you aren't and unless you make it happen you won't. You could be so worth giving everything up for. You could be. . . Someday. I hope I see that day. I hope I can look back and say "I could have had that, but I foolishly let it go" because at that point I don't know why you'd want a humble often sick housewife who broke your heart way back when. But I fantasize about it.

I fantasize that you go on and really do something with your life and then you come back, fit and healthy and active, and with full confidence you pursue me, telling my family, my husband, my husbands family, anyone who will listen that you love me with all your heart and you simply can't let the chance to spend the rest of your life with me pass you by again, not without at least trying your hardest. And even when I spurn your contact you don't give up. Even when I return your letters and send the flowers back and seem an ungrateful cur for the presents I don't accept, you keep trying until everyone around me thinks I'm insane for turning you down. Till even "The One" thinks I'm nuts for turning you down. And then one day I'll give in, like I've always wanted to. And even when I'm cursing you for trying you'll know I want to give in. You'll know I'm just waiting a little longer, just fighting to make you prove beyond a doubt, but really really wanting to give in. And the sex after all that time will be fantastic, and the story of how you won me over the world's most unapologetically chick flick ever made. . . Yeah, I fantasize. I wish you were all that and a bag of nuts.

What dreams may come,
Penn

WTF is wrong with me, what am I still doing here. I'm putzing around online thinking to myself, "it's only an hour more till "The Other" gets online". Why oh why am I waiting around when I'm not even going to talk to him? I actually thought this with an hour and a half to go, but I managed to find things to do such as write a post for a website that isn't even up and running at the moment. Yeah that needed to be done tonight, couldn't wait till tomorrow, not when it's just going to sit around in word till at least then anyways, nope had to do it tonight, right now, because it puts me that much closer to seeing him sign in when I'm not even going to talk to him.
Is it just old habits? Does it give me some sort of comfort to know he's still signing in? I shouldn't care. I don't need to be awake to see that. I should have been asleep almost three hours ago. Heck I was asleep three hours ago. I just didn't stay that way because of a phone call from "The One" which was well worth getting up for, but I should have gone right to sleep afterwards. I'm not going to be here just waiting, what kind of sick life would that be. Waiting around to make sure he still has the same schedule even when it's not any of my fucking business. And if by chance he doesn't sign in cuz let's say he gets a social life or a girlfriend or something, am I still going to wait to see him sign in? I have to break this stupid thing.

It's not like "The Other" is that one in a million, never find anything better, once in a lifetime guy I'm letting go. Honestly if he were I wouldn't let him go now would I? Besides I already have that one in a million, never find anything better, once in a lifetime love with "The One" that's why he is "THE ONE".

Speaking of "The One". . . It could just be that we are several hundred miles apart, but he seems rather distant. There doesn't seem to be that much for us to talk about. When we do talk it's mostly details of how to make things work (financing, visitors coming, holiday plans) interrupted by the occasional spontaneous "I love you" to fill the silence. Maybe it's just in my head because I feel like I should be talking to him about things I simply will not talk to him about on the phone, but things that need to be addressed, things that fill my thoughts blocking out most other conversation.

I told "The One" about my hot lesbian dream. He seemed to like the idea. But what man wouldn't like the idea of his wife being turned on by hot lesbians. I'm pretty sure he'd be upset if I did what those hot lesbians were doing (especially if he weren't allowed to watch) but it's really mostly the fantasy. Fantasies are fun, they are what allow us to be as naughty as we want to be without having to actually deal with the consequences. I'm not so into the consequences of being naughty. I'd much rather avoid that whole having everyone think I'm nuts and perverted and shun me from normal society stuff. Still. . . I can't help but wonder.

I wonder a lot. I wonder what it would be like to get into a hot Lesbian relationship, or into swinging, or polyamory or any number of slightly abnormal sexual behaviors. But mostly I wonder if I'd have to live in another state, FAR away from family and current friends to be able to live that lifestyle openly and not have too many repercussions. And look at that I've managed to find stuff to do online for another 40 min. Even tho I know I should be signing off and getting into bed right now, I'll bet there is a very good chance I'm sitting right here in another 20 minutes, reading random blogs, just waiting till he signs in.

Wow.

I have just reread this entire site. Yup, every single entry. . . In reverse order from what they were posted. I wonder if writing down all the stuff I wanted to do made it easier to do. I wonder if giving voice to the thoughts made them more real and substantial and harder to deny. (obviously having a written record makes things harder to deny, but what I meant was harder to resist doing)

I've talked quite a bit with "The One" in the past day or so. It's nice to hear his voice and be told that he still loves me. I've made no mention of the decision not to communicate with "The Other" I figure it will be easier for me if I just ease him out of my life without other people asking how it's going, or for that matter having to explain what prompted me to make the decision that it just isn't ok to be anything anymore. I'm really looking forward to going home soon and spending significantly more time with "The One" We have a lot of family plans over the holiday and all those family activities will help me to solidify why it is that I am soo in love with "The One". Even "The One's" sister is coming to town and she and her husband are such great people. I always enjoy having them around. I always enjoy their insights on life, I even enjoy the interaction between her and "The One" . . . "The One" picks on her till she beats the snot out of him. He can't seem to handle if she doesn't react and she ALWAYS wins, but it's a great little thing they always do and I generally giggle about it. It's likely that I'll also see "The One's" grandparents and even talk with his cousin and her children. All these people are great people and remembering that I'm married into that will be very good for me.

Obviously I haven't talked to "The Other" within the past two day. Can't say as it's affected me too much yet as I haven't been awake or online much during the times that he generally is and I've been awfully busy hanging out with my adorable lovechild (who is in need of some serious retraining after spending a week with his grandparents) and some friends who not only would not understand, but they would be appalled at the very idea. (They happen to be newlyweds)

I have however got something to report about the whole lesbian thing. . . Oh yeah. I had the most kick ass lesbian action dream last night. I wasn't in it, but it was good girl on girl action anyway and it made me want to start looking into that whole area again.

Assimilation

Can't do it anymore. We reached that level where we can't even pretend to be just friends. Since "The Other" and I can't be just friends and we can't be lovers. . . We can't be anything. I know I've stated so many times before that I cut off communication, but this time I'm serious. I don't have it in the back of my head that in a week or two I'll give in and things will go back to the way they were. It's too far to go back now. I have the idea in the back of my head that someday we will talk again, but it won't be soon. Probably not for years.

We (I mean I) decided this before we split company today, he knows, he understands (I think) and telling myself not to look back as I walked away from the car he drove off in was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. More so was the time after when I felt pain and loss but couldn't show it because of the company I was with, and because the company had just arrived and I am excited to see them I couldn't even ask to be alone to assimilate the situation. (that and explaining what was going on was definitely not an option). I guess that is why I'm writing now that everyone else has gone to sleep. I need a moment to let it sink in.

"The One". . . Hopefully with "The Other's" departure from my daily life, I'll be able to focus more on "The One". Maybe I'll be able to keep my head on straight and treasure him the way he deserves to be cherished.

If not, well I'm slowly working the idea of a hot blond in our bed. . . "The One" seems to be coming around to the idea, but that's as long as it's just an idea. Like the idea of me "having my cake and eating it too" with "The Other" as long as it was an abstract idea it was ok. The actual practice of such ideas is where the line seems to get drawn.