Rocky mountain climbing

I feel the need to talk but don't know what to say.

try not to cry

What do you do you do if your love still remains after your lover is gone?
How do you regain that piece of your soul when you really don't want it to know.
How can you say good bye when his smile still sings and his touch still warms your heart.

You can only hold on you can only let go
hold on and wave goodbye
and try and try not to cry

What can you do if you love someone so you love them so much that it hurts
what if the smile still warm and bright his eyes hold the only beauty you know.

You can only hold on you can only let go
hold on and wave goodbye
and try and try not to cry

what do you do if your love goes away and doesn't take you along.
how you can you tell him you still need him so how can you say that you'll never survive

you can only hold on you can only let go
hold on and wave goodbye
and try and try not to cry not to cry.

-Cindy

five hundred twentyfive thousand six hundred minutes

One year is a long time, but too short. Tomorrow it will be one month since "The Other" departed the mortal plains. I can't imagine a harder time in my life. Even the month I spent in intensive care fighting daily to survive seemed comparatively easy. Every other rough moment of my life has been fine, has been manageable, has had the feeling of "I will get through this" behind it. But not this. I find myself at his grave at odd hours of the night and day. I find myself longing to stay asleep so I can dream he's still beside me. I find myself breaking down when I think I'm finally doing ok. Without him telling me it's going to be ok, I don't know that it will. I find myself holding his necklace like it's the only piece of him I have left.

"The Other" induced feelings in me I didn't know existed. He pissed me off like no one else, he hurt me like no one else, he touched me like no one else, and he loved me like no one else ever has or ever could. It's hard to believe that anyone is able to survive a month with a wound this large in their soul, especially when what has always been the part of their soul that gets them through it, is the part that is gone.

I plan to spend the one month anniversary with his headstone. It won't really be the same, but perhaps I'll talk to him, perhaps I'll tell him everything. And perhaps just perhaps, it will help stanch the flow of pain for a while.

"The One" has been trying so hard to help. He's been extra kind and told me over and over that he wants to help. And as wonderful as "The One" has always been and as open as our communication and sex has always been it really isn't doing much for me. I know he cares and he loves me and he hates to watch me hurt. I love him just as much back and I hate to have to make him watch me hurt. "The One" and I talk, but it's never been the fanciful things of dreams that will never be, of realities that were never real, or of deep philosophical topics which don't in anyway affect our day to day lives. Those are things that "The Other" and I discussed on a regular basis, and I find I don't have that with anyone else. It just flowed with "The Other" It was never strained and almost always entertaining. There isn't anyone who fills that for me. Maybe it's time I become more practical.

Speaking of more practical, there is a female of note in our lives. She and "The One" started talking online several months ago. We went and met her, she's been up to visit three times since. Unfortunately, it's not going all that well. She has issues that she hasn't worked through that I'm fairly certain I don't want to take on. And I find it very alarming that while I feel like I know her as well as could be expected on a fourth date, she feels like she's in love and ready to move in. She's a charming lady with lots of energy and enthusiasm for lots of projects, and she's fun to talk with, but I think she might be better suited as someone else's lover where she can be the primary, somewhere she can get the love and attention and soul mate with the intense passion she deserves. I could easily see being her friend. I think she'd be a joy to have around, but I'm nowhere near ready for the time and love commitment that she craves.

I spend years writing and recovering from the last big wound to my psyche. And even that I only felt I recovered from because "The Other" was there to talk to each night, to discuss unrealistic things with in the depth of the morning hours when one's mind naturally turns to deep discussions and self discovery. He let me talk them all out. He let me ponder things a sane person would have me committed for. I wonder how long it'll take to heal this wound in my soul, or if it can ever be done without him.

Research in Seattle

Each day is still edging near unbearable without "The Other" but I've had at least one day where I felt like the bleeding of my soul might not actually kill me. The emotional pain is so intense it sits on my chest like a lead weight becoming physically painful if I dwell on missing him.

To help get through each day I've been telling myself a sweet little lie that the last year and a half, since the last time we broke up, has all been a set up for him to fake his own death. "The Other" used to talk at length about his plans for world domination. I used to sit and listen gleefully enjoying how incredibly detailed he was. However world domination is not an easy task to accomplish and his in particular would require a significant amount of rather secret research.

So I'm telling myself that his Friday the thirteenth death on a toilet seat was all an elaborate hoax on his part to rid himself of family, friends, job, and any other responsibilities or expectations so that he could concentrate full time on making his fondest dreams come true. I imagine right now he's in Seattle at a research lab avidly programing and testing the nano's that will fulfill an eternity of hopes.

If I ever have a miraculous recovery, I'm going looking for him. I fantasize that someday I'll be out at his gave talking to him like I've been tending to do and he'll say hello. Or he'll contact me online without me even knowing who he is. I'm pretty sure I'd recognise him after a while. Or maybe not, but I'm certain I couldn't help but fall in love with him all over again. When he tells me the million years and however extra has now started, that's when I'll really know it's him.

It's a sweet little fantasy that helps my days seem vaguely more hopeful. I miss him so much. Not even the imagined conversations with him help.

Should've been

I'm not even close to getting over "The Other" The pain still rages inside me ever minute of every day. The soul that we share still feels like it's been ripped in half and is bleeding out my very essence. It often still feels like he's there with me. I often still think I should call and check on him or tell him how things are going, or ask to hear how much he loves me. I still talk to him like I used to in my head when he wasn't available. He doesn't really answer and it was more of just a practice of what I'd say when I did get to talk to him.

I've been rereading things he wrote to me, things I wrote to him, things I wrote about him and I came across something he wrote to me six years ago. It stated how he really felt. It stated how he'd always feel. I don't think he premeditated it in anyway, I think he was just adamant to let me know how deep his feelings were and how very much he meant to be there for me no matter what. I think they would have made spectacular vows had he stayed around long enough to make them.

"No matter how much you change or stay the same, I will love you always.
No matter how much I will do things the wrong way on purpose, or how often we have heated battles, I will love you always.
No matter what you want, be it the sun's demise or worse, I will love you always.
No matter the difference between our personalities, our desires, our questionable flavors, or our hobbies, I will love you always.
You are a wonderful person full of emotion and life. If you choose to behave a certain way, in a way that best enunciates and allows these emotions to flourish, I will not stop you. I will love you always."