Alone

Two weeks without "The One" was really difficult. Although we talked on the phone and made comments to make the other blush after only three days apart, two weeks is a long time to be apart from someone you are used to holding in your arms every day. Although it's been almost two weeks that we've been back together it feels like we are still trying to catch up for that two weeks apart and that our many responsibilities are holding us apart. It's nice that we still really appreciate the time we do have together and enjoy each other's company. We didn't really do anything for our 8th anniversary. He took me and the lovechild out to dinner and then he had to work and I had things to accomplish. I'm hoping when life slows down a little that "The One" and I will have a chance to get a nice little room and spend some quality time enjoying the free cable of the hotel room:D

"The Other" . . . well that's a whole bag of worms I'm not sure I'm ready to get into, but here's the gist, he has cancer. And it's not the nice easy small surgery maybe a little chemo after to make sure it's actually all gone kind of cancer. It's the spend years of your life fighting it, change your live and perspectives forever kind of cancer. "The Other" won't be able to work for about a year at best. I spent a week with him while he was in the hospital. I found I'm a much more patient person than I anticipated I would be. I always thought I'd be just miserable at the sitting there watching someone else, but it turns out when it's someone who means so much it's harder to leave than it is to just sit there doing all the worrying for them. When he was in the hospital it was easy to just be there with him but now that he is home and recovering from a surgery, (not the last I'm sure) I find it hard to find reasons to be near him. I find it awkward to be someplace where I'm not allowed to touch and hold him because his family is right there. And although I want to be next to him, I don't want to be in the way, and I often get the feeling that he doesn't really care if I come to visit or not yet. I can be patient and wait for him to want me by him again.

Some time ago I was feeling my relationship with "The Other" falter, partly because he was getting sick and didn't have the time or energy to want to hang out and talk (one of the major foundations of our relationship) and partly because I have wanted something more. It feels wrong that he's so far away, that I'm not allowed to show how I feel in 90% or more of our daily lives. When you combine not being able to show any desire in public with no energy to hang around for the private it tends to wear on the relationship. As I was considering the options and what to do about it I realized I could break up with him which would probably have been the only way to get the message across that I needed more, and "The Other" abhors that option for the obvious reason that it hurts and makes things unstable for a while and it's not a clear method of getting what I want. Or I could just wait things out, which would end in things petering out. When I discussed these options with "The One" he had a third option which was all together a better option. So I went about the first steps of option three but it never got very far because "The Other" was diagnosed and every moment since then has been about survival. Suddenly my petty little issues seem pointless. The squeaky wheel gets fixed, but no one cares that the wheel squeaks when the wagons being chased by bandits.

The up side to all this lack of being able to be with my men is that I've had lots of time online to pursue girls. And some of it is even working. I put an add up on a polyamory friendly website and almost immediately starting talking to single bisexual chicks. Some of them have taken only one or two conversations with to see that there is no hope of a relationship. But one in particular has me fascinated. She's a beautiful woman with a caring heart and a giving attitude. She also has a wicked sense of humor and charming way of writing. I have to admit I look forward to checking my email everyday hoping to see an email from her. As of now we are only online acquaintances and nothing more can really happen for a long time because of physical distance, but I'm not in any hurry and I'm trying not to assume or hope too much that anything could really be there. If nothing else she'll make an interesting friend that I've already learned a lot from.

*Huff* MEN!

If ever there were a reason that would push me squarely into homosexual instead of bisexual, it would be the behavior of men.