Forgetting why

"The One" has caught himself a small bug. We've been traveling recently and small bumps in health are not uncommon after being in large crowds. He's sleeping very peacefully at the moment. He's been very kind and kinda flirty lately. texting me small little love notes while waiting in lines. He really has a way of charming me with those sweet little gestures.

So nearly a week traveling and for most of it we had to pretend there was nothing between "The Other" and I. Which isn't unusual. But at times he did such a good job I almost believed him. Not the moments when it was massively impractical to show affection, but the times when we were alone. That was when I believed him most, That was when his act hurt. Tonight I tried to think of an excuse for us to get together and do all the things we couldn't while traveling but my efforts met with excuses and a massive lack of desire on his part.

Currently across my chest in black on a yellow background is the phrase "I swing both ways" Which is the first time I've ever boldly stated my preference in a public way in a public place. I let most people take it the way they wanted, not correcting them when they thought it was a funny joke.

Men and me

"The One" has made a great many friends in the last couple years. Most of his friends are young single males that he hangs out with several nights a week. These young single males are also intelligent computer geeks who appreciate the proper sci/fi-horror flicks. It's nice to see "The One" enjoying his social life so much.

"The Other" really perked me up the other day. I was having one of those momentary "is it all worth it" moments of owning a business and by simply acknowledging my concerns and talking about ways to make it work better. Talking business plans and ideas on how to accomplish things really turns me on. I was left rather horny from the conversation.

I've been spending a lot of time considering what it is I really want to be doing and what I want to accomplish in life. (hence the doubt on the business) I was getting to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted another child anymore. Figuring the time and effort and distance between kids was getting to the outer limit of acceptability when I found out I was pregnant. In the mater of seconds it took for the extra line to appear on the test, I knew that I wanted that child. I was SO excited and thrilled and was staring to plan. And then it was all over, as suddenly as it had started. In a shorter time than it took me to recognize that I was pregnant, I knew it was over when I woke up bleeding. 5 days of pure bliss and anticipation ended in a split second.

I haven't cried yet. It all seems like a cruel joke. Some time ago when I was really into a religion, I was given a blessing of sorts to help guide me in my life. It was printed out on paper and told me several things about my future including a reference to sons and daughters who would come through me. I always figured it meant I would have children and not just miscarriages. But like most things it's the letter of the law not the spirit of it.