Dear "The Other",

I feel.

I feel rejected.

I feel hurt, undesired, ignored.

I feel needy and overbearing.

I feel scared. I feel frightened that the feelings I have are not reciprocated. That the time I want to spend with you, is not time you want to spend with me. I feel as if it's all slipping away.

As of right now I would trade the time we have together to be able to talk to you online at night again. I would trade your store smart-assness for your honest online goodnights. I would trade our nights watching movies for rubbing my tired eyes wishing only to see what you are going to type next and the anticipation of the occasionally intense and deep conversations.

Often when together I am overwhelmed by feelings that I'm not certain how to respond to and my uncertainty shows. I find it hard to express anything when these feelings wash over me.

I want more than I can have. I want you, the real you, more often than you would imagine.

Goodnight my love.

like the distance in the fog,
I can't tell how far away you are
like the mirage of water in the sand
I can never quite reach you

like the poets words
the interpetation changes
like the music whistling by
touching but not lasting

like the fog in the distance
I can't tell how far away you are.

Too Poor to Pay Attention.

The economy is based on the flow of money from one location to another, money being worthless in a situation where it is completely stagnant. The currency of life is attention and it too is worthless unless it flows from person to person, particularly in relationships where the flow of attention should be a mutual cash cow.

However like interest in the world of finances it adds up fast if you spend attention you don't have, or miss payments on attention that is borrowed. The payments can easily become overwhelming. And don't forget the demands of those who expect payments that can't be made. Unfortunately if you can't pay the proper amount of attention, you tend to not get paid the proper amount of attention and since one can not easily survive without attention, like one can not easily survive without money, one will do what it takes to get attention. Beg, borrow, or steal, is the popular phase for money, where as tantrums, drama queens, and misbehavior would be the methods for receiving undue or past due attention. If these methods should fail one may always resort to bankruptcy, which is in essence the governments way of forgiving you your financial mistakes. How does one file for an emotional bankruptcy?

It's not about the sex

Sex is apparently the only lure I have to get time from my men. And I'll be the first to admit that I am a massive fan of sex and often instigate or even demand sex. But on many occasions I can't lure either of my men to spend time with me without the distinct implication there will be sex involved. When I've left it vague as to where the snuggling will lead I'm often disapointed that at the point it becomes clear our expecations are different the guy runs off to do something else instead. Isn't it ok to just want time?

"It's my website and I'll write whatever the fuck I want!"

Yup, that was all it took to completely end communications with "The One" tonight. I've had a particularily long and hard few days, I would reckon my stress level is somewhere between cold war and nuclear missile attack. I haven't had much time for sleep, and the quality has been worse than the quantity. And although those are no excuses for being rude and answering the way I did, I think it helps to vaguely define the situation. I hadn't in anyway intended to rant and rave on my very public website about the current issues (which I was ranting at him about at that time). So I guess I was a little offended when he implied not only that I would, but that I had no right to. I'm sure his stress levels are about even with mine, so his response was to get up and leave without saying anything. I have to admit I adore that "The One" and I almost never fight, and I adore that we don't argue over petty things. But once in a while it would really help to just be able to yell at someone over nothing to get out all the frustration. I know it would be detrimental to the relationship (and therefore I'm glad he doesn't rise to my challenges when I'm really miffed) but once in a while. . .
Maybe I should go start a pillow fight with him.

When I arrived home tonight, I got on the computer with the intentions of writing a post entitled "Nice Guys Finish Last" (obviously I didn't because of conversations about other posts in other locations) but the post I was intending was going to explain WHY nice guys finish last, and why they will continue to finish last. This intended post was inspired beautifully by "The Other" who is in his very essence a "NICE GUY". He is your classic nice guy. Which means that in all the years I have known him, he has always been(including but not limited to) kind, helpful, considerate, generous, polite, reserved, funny, intelligent, and great company. This is one of the reasons I feared to date him. Noone can be that good, everyone has bad things in thier personality, everyone. And with the nice guy all you see is the good, until you get to know them really well and get to see your disillusions dispelled. And long before you enter a relationship with a "nice guy" you know those disillusions will be dispelled. You know that other stuff has to be there. But knowing and seeing are two completely different things. It's actually painfully to see things in him that I don't like, to witness behavior or cruelty I didn't think he was possible of. It actually hurts to see that nice guy image slip away, even though I knew it would.

I can imagine it's a two way street as the honeymoon phase is wearing off. He's probably beginning to question things about me he never knew before and is finding he's not that fond of, he's probably questioning his sanity at the years he spent longing for me only to find out in reality I'm not at all like the fantasies he held onto.

Women have been on my mind as of late. I can't necessarily say I'm fantasizing more about women, but more doing a romantisised rationalization of becoming a lesbian. It's very reasonable and very likely that all women are going to become lesbians. The only problem I have in my rationalizations is that I always have to include a guy somewhere because there is no replacement for a live penis. Don't get me wrong I'm certain that a dildo is a wonderful toy and that being eaten out by a hot woman with a chin dick would get me off multiple times, but it's not the same. It's still not the same type of orgasm that a real live man with his dick inside you can give.

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Mikaila - So In Love With Two
===============================
My number one: There could never be no one like you
How come I feel this way again
My number two: Never tried to tell me what to say or do
I'm so in love with two
I don't want to push it
I don't want to fight
But this feeling keeps me up all night

If I only could decide
But I can't make up my mind
I'm breakin' all my rules because of you
You tell me it's not right
And it tears me up inside
But the problem is I'm so in love with two

Hey, hey, hey
I don't know what to do
Hey, hey, heyI choose the both of you
My number one: You give me everything I need
But some thinks to I'm better with
My number two: He's the one that really makes me feel so good
I'm so in love with two
I don't want to push it
I don't want to fight
But this feeling keeps me up all night

If I only could decide
But I can't make up my mind
I'm breakin' all my rules because of you
You tell me it's not right
And it tears me up inside
But the problem is I'm so in love with two
But the problem is I'm so in love with two

Hey, hey, hey
I don't know what to do
Hey, hey, hey
I choose the both of you
Don't want to fight another night
Just want to make it rightC'mon
Ooh, my number one, my number two

Somebody tell me what I'm supposed to do
My number one, my number two
Somebody tell me
I'm so in love with two

If I only could decide
But I can't make up my mind
I'm breakin' all my rules because of you
You tell me it's not right
And it tears me up inside
But the problem is I'm so in love with two

If I only could decide
But I can't make up my mind
I'm breakin' all my rules because of you
You tell me it's not right
And it tears me up inside
But the problem is I'm so in love with two

Hey, hey, hey
I choose the both of you

"The One" was very kind today and let me stay home and sleep while he opened and watched the store. There were probably several parts to his decision to be so loving. 1) he wouldn't have to put up with my intolerable bad mood as I tend to be when I'm not feeling particularly well. 2) he wins massive brownie points. 3) He gets to be home in the evening and play video games with a friend who was in town to visit. Whatever his reasoning I was grateful for it. I feel like I have been neglecting "The One" a little bit lately. By the time we get to bed at night I am so exhausted I can hardly even imagine taking care of wifely duties, and I've been tired enough lately that I'd rather hit snooze than do things in the morning. It's really unlike me to lax in my sexual attentions.

I still have the music playing constantly in my head from watching "Phantom of the Opera" last night with "The Other". I really appreciate that "The Other" enjoys opera and theater. It's nice to have someone not only willing to watch it, but suggest watching it. I found myself on several occasions during our evening together looking at him and having flashbacks to a dream I had. And it wasn't even a kinky sex dream. Really I don't remember anything more of the dream than a couple instants in time. Moments frozen in future memory. I found the moment so profound that when the ever present "Penny for your thoughts?" popped up I couldn't say anything.

Cherry has fallen in love. It's beautiful to see her excitement.

Caught. . .

Although I am aware that it is inevitable that we will eventually be found out and will have to either admit openly to who we are,the life we want to lead, our freedom to do so, and face the consequences or ruin everything we have and ask forgiveness for things that cause no shame in our minds, I am still a little in shell shock from the close call we had this afternoon.

I found myself driving out to "The Other's" this afternoon because his family was supposed to be gone all day. I called from his back step to let him know I was there. He answered the door in nothing but his boxer shorts and we proceeded to his bedroom. It didn't take long till I was wearing less material than he was, and you can probably imagine what happened next. Eventually we watched an episode of Dr. Who. Or rather I watched an episode of Dr. Who and he started lovingly at me making my slightly nervous during it, but it once again led to things you can imagine and a little (ok a Lot) of sweat. After said imaginable activities and sweating we decided a shower was in order and as I crawled into the shower "The Other", wearing less than he had to answer the door, went downstairs to get fresh towels. Upon his arrival in the dining room he noticed his father in the kitchen eating a sandwich. I'm certain a short and embarrassing conversation ensued resulting in his father leaving for half and hour and us showering and getting out of the house as quickly as we could manage.

As luck would have it, "The Other's" father did not recognize my car, did not see me, and is willing to simply know that "The Other" had his girlfriend over without knowing anything more and is willing to keep the days activities to himself, which is an immense relief because you can be certain that the rest of "The Other's" family would not be so wiling to accept "my girlfriend" as an answer to the question "Who is she?"

I waited about 5 min before I told "The One" about what had happened. It led to a conversation on what to do if/when we get caught. "The One" said he is going to throw me to the wolves by denying any knowledge of things between "The Other" and I. Although I can see the logic in "The One" feeling like this would be a good option, it's also a little bit disappointing. I don't like keeping secrets and I'd be much better off with all of this if I could just announce that this is the life I have chosen and it's the life I intend to lead and there opinions although taken into consideration are not welcome if not supportive. "The One' abhors confrontation, and it's pretty safe to assume there would be some from a fair number of our friends and family if we were to tell them of this, but what really bothers me is the idea that "The One" is only barely tolerating the polyamory but still believes it is wrong and shameful and something that although we can do should NEVER be talked about with anyone at anytime for any reason.