"The One" is great. He's snuggly and communicates well. He helps me do mundane tasks even tho I KNOW he'd much rather do just about anything else. Yeah, I am one lucky lady.

I want "The Other" so bad. I want to crawl into his bed next to him and fall asleep in his arms. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie all snuggled up next to him. I want to casually talk over a meal we haphazardly put together. I want more of him in everyday life. I see him almost every day as it is, I see him romantically probably twice a week, so I really have no right to feel like I need more of him. I feel guilty, naughty and needy for wanting to call him up and beg him to come over. I feel needy for being disappointed that he doesn't show up here after work just to spend time with me. I don't expect these things, and I don't need them, but I want them.

Maybe what I need is a girlfriend. A live in girlfriend who is as much a snuggle hound as I am (and as horny to boot) yup, I'd like always having someone around to snuggle with. . . I guess I'm rather needy always wanting to be touched, maybe that's why I feel I need three people to satisfy me.

I've tryed to start this post three times now, but I find I can't.

You know how sometimes you say something to someone and then you realize that you really mean it, and it catches you off guard? I had a situation like that today. It occurred within the following excerpt of a conversation. . . Names have been changed to protect the not quite innocent.


Me: I still sometimes come to "The One" all sheepish when I tell him what occurred (part of the communication thing) and he's all cool with it, always
Me: It sometimes wierds me out a little
Her: I could never do that with "Her Husband"- thinking what if I helped him hook up with a lover- so I could never ask him to do that for me- we are both way too jealous/selfish/insecure?
Me: it's probably mostly fear
Me: "The One" got over his fear and now it's all ok
Me: I'd love to find him a lover
Me: I think it would be so cool
Her: heck yeah- sides we don't have someone like "The Other" in our lives- it takes a pretty special someone
Me: to see him come home with the biggest shit eating grin you can imagine happier than anything. . . Yeah I'd so help him seduce her, romance her, whatever it took
Her: you are a complex and multi faceted open minded person
Me: don't you want "Her Husband" to be the happiest man alive?


I realized two things from that conversation. 1)I am rather wierded out with "The One's" sudden change to being almost more than ok with everything. Don't get me wrong, I love that "The One" and "The Other" get along. 2) I would like for "The One" to experience the thrill of a new lover, the happiness of having everything he wants. I'd love to see that grin of ecstasy and the bright twinkle in his eye that proclaimed utter satisfaction. I'd love to smile to myself knowing he's truly the happiest man alive.

ROCK MY WORLD

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life, minus a terrible day financially at work. I had my world completely rocked (twice) but I get ahead of myself, I should probably start with explaining those odd notes to myself.

Two nights ago I had a dream that "The Other" and I were trying to hang out in a romantic way, but kept getting interrupted. Apparently it had been quite a while since we had seen or talked to each other, and I asked if he had done anyone else. He admitted he had, two actually.

"What are their names?" I asked in a calm cool collected fashion

"Can we talk about this after?" he asked as we were getting a little past snuggling

"no" I stopped the action, waiting for a reply. He gave me two names, both of which sounded male to me. I was surprised. I hadn't thought (even in my dream) that he swung that way, but I wasn't threatened and we went back to playing. Of course it wasn't long till we were interrupted again.

Sometime later (there's more in the dream but it's not terribly relevant) anyways, sometime later he and I were someplace else trying to be alone and had just sent away a small childlike distraction and were talking again and "The Other" mentioned something about the first of his others, referring to her in a female context. I double checked that indeed she was female and then we were interrupted again.

In vague frustration I gave up and went to play with "The One" and our childlike distraction. After letting it stew for a while I became horribly upset, fuming jealous. I wasn't mad that he had done something with someone else, I was mad that he hadn't told me, mad that he hadn't invited me. I wasn't mad about the act, I was mad about the lack of communication. I began to walk down a corridor, gathering snow and muttering things I was going to say to "The Other" when I found him and was pelting him with snowballs (it's a dream ok, don't look at me like I'm insane) Although I don't remember now the venomous language I was rehearsing to spew at him, I was very clear and precise on the matter at the time.

I never did find him in my dream, I woke up still spouting venomous hurtful jealous rage. It took me quite a while to calm down and think over what the dream was really about.

After thoughtful pondering on it I wrote him an email and waited for him to respond, I must admit I didn't wait very patiently. I completely overreacted. I KNOW that "The Other" isn't likely to do anything with anyone else without at least letting me know about it, and if I'm lucky inviting me. Some communication later and it was mostly cleared up, except the vague knowledge that I am capable of jealousy so deep and powerful it could be the core of the earth itself.

"The Other" and I set aside some time for each other. That would be yesterday, in which he rocked my world. It was incredible! I told everyone about it yesterday, that is everyone except "The Other" who is probably just learning it now as he's reading this. Let me reiterate this: IT WAS INCREDIBLE! Ok now that I've got that out of my system again, (sorry Carmin for all the ranting on the topic) I can go on and tell you about the second rocking of my world.

After my incredible morning "reconnecting" with "The Other" I went to work, which was slow, like 6 people came in the whole day. "The One" brought me dinner and asked how my morning went. . . Ever seen what one man does when your reply to how your time with another man went is one word: incredible. (I couldn't say much more, we were in public after all, and that whole explaining to your husband about sex with another man might be a bit confusing to anyone else listening)

Last night as we were crawling into bed, sparks flew and a fabulous night ensued. I slept VERY well last night. And woke up still happy this morning.

Another Note to Self: No, seriously psycho stalker bitch, knock it off. I know you are feeling insecure and this morning's dream set you off bad enough that if you had woken up next to "The Other" you would have full out smacked him like no one's business, but seriously. . . Think about it. It's ok, it was just a dream. Try and remember your eyes are brown not green, not that horrible satanic glowing green they must have been when you woke up.

Note to Self: STOP IT!!!!!

Dreaming is such an odd concept, made even odder when you have dreams that you aren't sure what to make of. I had one of those dreams today. It involved watching a movie with "The Other" his x-girlfriend, and another female friend of his. I was sleepy and snuggly and horny and there were lots of blankets and stuff to snuggle in. Somehow I ended up snuggling with "The Other's" female friend and the idea of a threesome was brought up (all kind of in whispered tones behind the actual event of watching a movie) Somehow the x-girlfriend left, but "The Other" requested that we move her stuff, as she wouldn't like us doing anything on her stuff.

So with "The Other" sitting beside me and this female, I kiss her. It wasn't all passionate, more first kiss sweet and intriguing. It was different than a male kiss tho. It was softer and more feminine, her whole body was feminine and soft and I ran my hands along it. (all still kinda secretive in the background of actual events) and before anything fabulous could happen we were interrupted, we were disappointed, followed along with the events looking for another opportunity to start things up again. I tucked my children into bed (I actually tucked my son in with my son, same son. . . Don't ask it's a dream ok) I made sure "The Other's" x-girlfriend was blissfully asleep and many other such people and then we (the three of us) went and found a hot tub, filled it up, and thought we'd have a great time, but were interrupted again when some of my family wanted to enjoy the hot tub too. We tried to find another tub, but things just didn't seem in our favor and just as things were calming down to a point where we could think about doing things again, I woke up.

I tried in vein for about an hour to rekindle this dream, but it couldn't be found and I thought over all the small details like the gaming figurines on the side of the tub. . . That belonged to my mom. It was just all so wired, I think Freud would have a heyday with me.

The Mind and Body disconnection

I'm so weak I can barely get out of bed. I have short spans of time before I fall back asleep, no matter what I'm doing. I'm in pain, my mind is barely conscious of what is going on around me. I'm sick, very very sick.

And through it all I still miss him, still want to be held, still want to talk about anything and everything. I'd go visit him at work, but that is just frustration. I can't really talk with him there. Can't do anything, Can't admit to anything, can't even flirt. The double life thing may seem fun, but not when I just want to take him in the back and fulfill fantasies his fantasies haven't even been able to dream up. And I can't even tell him about the desire.

oh well. . . Back to bed again.

I didn't even realize until just now that I completely forgot something that makes me a tad. . Nervous? Apprehensive? Not entirely comfortable with the status of things with "The Other". That adorable cocked half wry smile he didn't develop until the first time we had sex hasn't been seen in while. . . A long enough while that I wonder as to it's where abouts.

The not interested streak has ended (thank the almighty powers of the sex drive). The incredibly long absence of sex from life ended in an all out super spectacular-rock your world-knock your socks off- can't believe it can be that good- fireworks in the background-grunting halleluia lovefest. (Yeah, it really was that good.) In related news; "The One" has been in a much better mood lately. I tend to forget how cranky he gets when the sex isn't flowing. He's very nice about it, telling me he can wait (or take care of it himself), But then he blows up just a little faster, is just a tad snippier, and . . . . hmm maybe it's just my perspective, because I don't have my rose colored glasses of lust on, or perhaps I'm just more judgmental and less relaxed without the sweet lasting lovejuice to oil my system. Never really considered that before, just always assumed it was him.

A long while back, back when the sky was still blue and the grass was still green and the brown barbaloots. . . . Oh, wait. Wrong story. What I meant was I took this class in high school. I have no idea what the title of it was but somehow we were on the topic of relationships and abstinence (this was the actual class discussion, not just my friends and I on the side of the main topic, which we probably weren't listening to) Anyways, I have only a vague idea what the context was, I only remember the quote and thinking how very profound the comment was. The girl who spoke was not at all to be placed in the Pius group of my classmates. She was overweight, with obvious self esteem problems that she compensated for with drug use and sexual activity. She was very outspoken and in this particular case it may have changed someone's view of men and relationships with them. The instructor was asking the female half of the group why they want a relationship, what drives their desire. One girl piped up with "to have someone to talk about my problems with". This was obviously not an answer that was acceptable to my "not so Pius" classmate who all Jerry Springerish quoted, "Don't get a man for someone to talk about your problems with. Half the time he IS the problem!" I'm not really sure why, but that stuck with me.

And the reason I brought that story up would be "The Other", don't get me wrong he isn't the problem. Well. . . not entirely the problem. What I mean to say is that now that we have a sexual relationship, I find it more difficult to be as open with him, which would seem a rather odd turn of events, but I've been assured that is very common, and I remember the same sort of thing happening with "The One" It's just I didn't see it coming this time. It's been six years since I've started a sexual relationship, and I guess I forgot about some of the logistics of how they work and as I've only had one, I didn't place stock in the progression of the first as a template to how this one might go. (and it's a really good thing I didn't) although this particular tidbit might have been handy to have forewarning on. It's not that I don't feel I can talk with "The Other". It's just I feel there are certain things I feel or think now that would affect things if I were to be totally open and honest as in the past when he didn't have any actual claim in my decisions, didn't have any real stake in progress of events other than as a friend. You would think that having a claim or stake in things would make the sharing of information openly more important (and it probably does) but it also makes it harder to do. (as is witnessed by how incredibly difficult it was to tell "The One" about my feelings for "The Other")

Also there seems to be a huge shift in my confidence level. I was very secure knowing that "The Other" wanted me when I was merely a fantasy. After all in a fantasy I was everything he wanted. I couldn't possibly disappoint him as a fantasy, and therefore he'd always want me. (that do no wrong thing sounds handy) that and if anything went horribly wrong in our friendship. . . It was just a friendship, albeit a deeper friendship than most I've experienced, but friendships can endure and take breaks and come back as strong friendships. . .Lovers, not so much. It might be purely my fear, but occasionally when I've looked at him lately, I see a twinge of doubt in his eyes. As if for one second he can see me as I truly am and not as that hot fantasy he clings to. I question when he turns down my invitations (which come way too frequently for any man to accept all of) I question when he would rather I sleep with "The One" than him. I question when even as he tells me that I see something in him I haven't seen before, or I have, but it didn't matter because he was only a friend and not a lover. It's that look behind his eyes that he longs to say something he can't say, that he feels something he won't admit, that I dare not ask about now. . . I should, but I don't.

Should I go on? I have one more topic in mind. Overwhelming as it may be to keep going on this pseudo novel. And that would be something that is both the most fantastic news of the day, and also the potential fall of Rome. "The Other" was hired as one of only four people employed by the business that "The One" and I are purchasing stock in. Yup, That means I shall be working with both "The One" and "The Other". "The Other" and I have been co-workers before, in fact that is how we met. However, that was in a place where we weren't in charge of anything, didn't have any expectations, didn't have to run the company (Thank GOD!), didn't have a sexual relationship, and didn't have the third member of this sexual tryst working with us. . . If you see what I mean.

And to make things a little more tricky. . .The working relationship is ill-defined, and I suspect there is more being said between the owner (who hired "The Other") and "The Other" than has been told to "The One" and I. Some of the circumstances of "The One's" being hired have sent large red flags up in my brain and I'm second guessing things about this purchasing concept that I was previously very solid on. As my knowledge of "The Other's" relationship with the owner is very limited, I find I am rather restricted on what business agreement details and potential details I feel comfortable discussing with "The Other" which is kind of a bummer. I'm not used to withholding from "The Other" on anything, not verbally anyway.

I'd write about women, but I'm not so interested. And I've written more than enough to bore the masses already.

For the first time in a really long time, I am not in the least bit horny. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It is such an odd sensation to look over at an adoring "The One" and not want to rip his clothes off and take him, or at least want to sit in his lap and lean my head against his shoulder. It's nothing that he has done. He is still the adorable, loving, charming man who does little things to win me over every day. (such as making muffins for breakfast)

Last night "The Other" showed up at my house. I think he was hoping that his presence here would set me off and we would have a fun night, but rather we sat and played video games and then talked a little before he realized that wasn't going to happen and went home. Oh. . . And for the record, that yellow shirt is not a good part of your wardrobe. . . Don't do it. There have got to be better ways to add color.

As for women, as usual, there isn't anything other than fantasies to report. But they are nice fantasies. I've been talking online with a bisexual woman who is married and looking for that elusive bisexual woman to join them. (aren't we all?) She is very intriguing, and if we wanted the same things (such as if she were looking to join someone or I were single and looking to join a couple) I would be very interested in pursuing things. She seems to be almost everything I want, of course I don't know her well enough at all to know if we'd really be compatible, but aside from the logistics of men it seems we'd be very compatible.

Everything is perfect. I hadn't in a million years dreamed things could work out this well. Perhaps someday I'll even find "The Woman" and things will get even better, which is hard to imagine.