sexpectations

Apparently it's all about my viewpoint. I'm not disappointed that "The One" went out to play games all night, because I hadn't made plans to spend the night with him. And the only reason I didn't make plans was because "The Other" hasn't met expectations so I was giving him the opportunity first (I did mention I'm a glutton for punishment right?) This is apparently all the wrong way to go about it.

"The Other" and I are in a place where we could very comfortably and easily slide into a nonsexual relationship that revolves almost but not entirely around work. I think this is what I am going to aim for as everyone involved will be happier if they aren't expecting the improbable. This decision is once again on the heels of a rejection. Although I did give him the opportunity to say no gracefully he answered with a maybe so I stayed up long enough to know that one in a billion chance he'd show up wasn't going to happen. (I wasn't' surprised) I spent the majority of this time shooting kitties out of a cannon in a sweet little game designed to help alleviate frustration. I must say it cheered me up immensely.

DOC. . . Stands for dick on call. I may have to find me one of these for the nights when "The One" will be unavailable. Doesn't necessarily have to be dick.

Glutton for punishment

"The One" is stable, useful, overworked and often greatly under appreciated. Today is a fabulous example of that when instead of staying home, crawling into bed next to him, and snuggling until we fell asleep, I went back to work to accomplish things and play games. It wasn't until after another rejected offer by "The Other" that I had realized what a great opportunity I would have had if I had forsaken my work for a night and crawled into bed with "The One". Hopefully I'll be more mindful of these opportunities in the future.

Yeah, you did read that right. "The Other" has rejected me yet again, leaving me to wonder if there is something wrong. Or wondering at what point things changed. He's lost a lot of weight recently, I've gained a lot of weight. Maybe he doesn't find me desirable anymore. Or maybe there is someone else that is holding his interest. Perhaps I'm a conquest that has become irritating now that I'm conquered. Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment, but I just keep asking. Each time as disappointing as if it were the only rejection I've ever received. Only they build upon each other, each one the building block of a tower. It's a tower I'm building to protect myself. Someplace I can hide from the barrage of self doubt that accompanies each rejection. And someday when the tower is finished I won't have to ask.

More women have been on top of me, feeling me up, in this last week than I ever imagined possible. The problem is they aren't the women I want. I do so like the feel of pursuit, but this isn't real pursuit. This is the kind of attention that says I'm so comfortable in your assexuality that I can make any comment, no matter how lude and feel safe.

Bitching

Every had the feeling life was too busy? The One and I aren't finding enough time to relax and make love. I've found this isn't a problem because I intrinsically understand the need for sleep, for both of us. I can hold off knowing that sometime in a day or two we'll find time. He's awfully good to me, trying to calm my angry and frustrated nerves, tucking the love child in and cleaning the house I can only stand in amazement and avoid acknowledging to keep my sanity.

It's been one full cycle since the other and I have been able to make love. A vast majority of it is circumstance. Although there have been enough offers refused that I'm finding it affecting my emotions. An ego can really only take so many rejections especially when there are circumstances that in my mind would create a stronger desire instead of a diminished one. But as usual I find I'm second string to any number of different activities. (Some are viable excuses for which I completely understand, others not so much) I think perhaps it has something to do with me claiming outright that I want sex. For some reason that gets me turned down a good 90% of the time. I would be lieing if I said this were not my goal, but perhaps if I were to approach with a more subtle, no sex just spending time together thing I would be more successful.

In all honesty I feel a bit like the relationship with "The Other" has become pointless. We have lost all our communication through messenger, which is how we really got to know each other and how we spent large portions of time communicating. We have lost any real time alone, as movie night has expanded to include the one and often times other people. We communicate at work but generally only about work related things, and now if we have lost our intimate time and sex, I don't see as there is much left aside from the professional relationship. "The Other" is fairly good at work, there are many things about his work that I greatly appreciate and other things that I'd like to see improved but on the whole I would say the working relationship is by and large the only real relationship that "The Other" and I have on a functioning level.

Hmm I should probably discuss this with "The Other" before posting . . But I'm not going to. So. . . When you read this "The Other" Please don't panic or fear that I'm wanting to run. That is not at all the case, I would however like to discuss this (and fuck, but that's apparently an issue for another time)

As for women. . . There is this female at my work location who found out that I am of a bicurious nature and has for several days been making every attempt to touch me, fondle me, and otherwise make a very public show of coming onto me. I'm thinking it's all in jest, but my certainty is wavering as the displays continue. Could I be misreading her attentions as jests when she is actually trying start a dialog?