Sick

"The One" is ill. He has a very typical just after snowstorm cold and sore throat. Last night when I crawled into bed there were several extra blankets and although I crawled in very late at night I lay there and listen to him toss and turn and not sleep. I felt empathy enough to not hesitate to get the child up so he could remain under all the covers this morning. Last night I found myself very horny and knowing "The One" would be unable or willing to perform. I hope he gets better soon.

Yesterday instead of mind numbing small stuff at work, "The Other" and I sat down and gamed together. It has been nearly two weeks since I've had time to game, and even longer since I've had time to game with "The Other". We chatted the entire time. It was mostly of an adult nature that would have been inappropriate for anyone else to read. (not sick or porn you pervert. We talked about why I ended things and what's going on in that area and that kind of stuff) And after the evening was done we went to our respective places of residence got online and continued talking. Although this did lead into the naughtier areas of discussion when I found myself asking what he was fantasizing about and typing one handed while I got myself off. Did I mention I was horny and knew "The One" wouldn't be taking care of anything? Anyway, thinking on it, I shouldn't have led the conversation that way. It just makes me want him, and wanting him is a habit I'm trying to break.

Sylvia hasn't made it obvious that she's around lately. She's been a little quieter than I'd like and I'm a tad bit worried that my hopes of her being around forever are in vein. Maybe I'm over thinking things, but then with my men sick or unavailable at my request I have time for that.

not orginal but damn fun

Flogging

It took some time and some conjoling but I got "The One" to go out to a wonderful dinner with my family. Then the lovechild and "The One" and I settled into a hotel room and watched cartoons till the lovechild fell asleep. I started to get frisky and "The One" didn't seem to object. Not too far into things I mentioned that I had ended things with "The Other" and all the fun was cut short right there while "The One" asked all sorts of why and are you sure questions. It wasn't until I had gotten rather testy and demanded that I was ok that we were allowed to continue with the romantic fun of having a room. It was pretty fun. We followed up our romantic evening with breakfast and an hour or so in the indoor Water park. I'm exhausted and sore, but those waterslides sure were fun.

So yeah, I did tell "The Other". I called him and asked him to get online and chat with me, Mostly because I didn't want anyone listening on the phone, and I just couldn't stand to hear his voice as I told him, having those moments to compose yourself and only written words can sure make things easier, even if it does make it seem very cold and calculated. (This was before he worked and most of the day before dinner and a hotel room with "The One") He seemed to take it ok, but it was online and I didn't hear any of the emotions voiced, that and I'm not sure he really believed me. He'd have good reason not to believe me. I've told him it's off enough times I hardly believe me. I'm sure he's rather confused as just the night before we lay on the couch snuggling, kissing, and telling each other "I love you" like broken records. I do love him. I always have, probably always will. Haven't talked to him since I left work yesterday. In a turn of that whole I hardly believe me thing, kinda funny ha ha, last night when I found out I had a hotel room for the night and I called "The One" and he was tired and wanted to go home, I thought about asking him to pass the phone to "The Other" because by gosh I was gonna use that room. I wouldn't have because my extended family was in the room at the time, and how pathetic would it be to ask him out to a room the same day I tell him it's off. . . But the thought crossed my mind.

There's a new lady in my life. I'm calling her Sylvia for now. I'm not sure if things will work out with her, but I'm being careful and taking it one day at a time. If things go really well I'm hoping she'll be around for the rest of my life.

creating conflict

eh. . . I'll post this again later

sometime later. . . .

in the interests of having something to say I'm creating conflict. Well ok that's not my real reasons but I'm going to use that excuse as lame as it is.

I've decided to end things with "The Other". I haven't told him yet. And I'm kinda hoping he doesn't read this before comming to work today. I have thought about this tho and I think it's an important thing to do.

I haven't mentioned this to "The One" yet either. Can't say as I know how he'll react. He's an odd man to predict. Usually the understanding and supportive role isn't one he does, so I imagine it'll be something along the lines of questioning my choices and reasons and hurumphing his discontent before getting down to some snuggling and long awaited sexual favors. (he's been very busy and I've been having some bleeding issues, but that's really no excuse for neglecting sex, I mean even a blowjob would show I'm still interested, and I am still interested)

As for what I'm going to do to "The Other" I have reasons/excuses, but I feel it unnecessary to use them. I want to use them to defend my ego and lessen the blow but I don't think I will. I don't think they'll actually be useful.

so um. . . I guess that is something to say.

nothing to say.

It seems I only post on a regular basis is there is something I"m struggling with, some problem reconcilling what I want with how life is, or just plain unhappy with a situation. And now that I have resolved the issue for which I started this blog I seem to have nothing more I yern to get out without anyone to talk to.

I started this blog because I was unsure of who I was sexualy. I felt that the sexual idenity that I had created for myself no longer fit who I felt I was sexualy and reconciling the two was difficult for me being that I had no words to define who I felt I was sexualy.

Being able to write about it helped me find those words, helped me know which areas to research, helped me relabel myself in an easier to sell package. Sometimes all I needed was to define what I wanted to be able to have it.

I have what I want now. I rarely find myself daydreaming of things I wish I had, things I wish I could do, things I wish I could be. I have, do, and am the things I want. I am content.
I guess I'm thankful that the net gave me a place to voice this in a public way that's private from those who don't want to see.

Don't be suprised if I don't write about my conflicting emotions anymore. It's not because I need to hide my thougts, it's not because I'm afraid of who will read it. It's not because there is nothing to say. It's because the emotions aren't conflicting.

I almost left the comment

I sooo connected with a description of a soulmate connection today. . . Almost left a comment on the post but I started ranting so I put it here instead.


Ouch. If it's a real connection you can't break it if you try. . .Trust me I've tried, a lot. When there is that connection that's completely unexplainable and comes through the IM without anything ever really being said. . . .Or when suddenly you just know what he is thinking even tho you haven't talked in days. . . Yeah I miss that. I'm horribly torn between telling you to run like hell or find a way to have it all, but really I don't want to tell you anything. I don't want to give any advice. I guess I just whole heartedly understood the description. I knew exactly what you meant, no one knows you so well without ever even having to talk about it and no one can hurt you so easily.

Had a bit of that with "The Other" tonight. I wanted him so bad that it hurt to let him go. Not sexually, get your mind out of the gutter. I was so connected and so enjoying our time together and thinking how unfair it was that I couldn't keep him. That I couldn't even ask to really keep him because we both know I can't and won't and probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as I think I would. But wanting him that bad always scares me. Always gives me a slightly sour grapes thing where I want to push him away and tell him never to speak to me again. I've gotton a lot better at not telling him that because I've learned that given a couple hours or days I always want him, and that whole I don't think we should talk anymore thing gets SOOO old and unbelievable after the first dozen times.

Truth in Advertising

Copy this entire list into your blog
BOLD everything about you that is true
.Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.

Here goes...
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.*
I have blindfolded someone else during sex. *
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.I
have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex.*
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.*
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.*
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.*
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.*
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.*
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.*
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.********
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.*
I stopped during this list to have sex.*

Not in a million years

I reread my last post (rereading posts is a habit of mine) and I have found that I only feel that way when I'm not able to be honest about who I am inside. And who I am is someone who is is madly in love with two men. Although society and my family and "The One's" family and a lot of other people may not be ok with it, I am. Deep down I truly am. I only feel bad that I couldn't live up to others expectations when I feel I can't tell them how happy I am with my decisions.

I awoke this morning with thoughts of sex in my head and found that there was a receptive man waking up beside me. (after only about an hour of our alarm clock going off). "The One" is great. He was there and willing and loving and did everything I needed right then. I found myself moaning with pleasure and making all sorts of noise that would have been completely inappropriate if anyone else had been home. And he finished it all off with a little kiss, the little kiss that let's me know he'll still be thinking about me all day:D

Today at work during a regular moment with everything going the way it always does I looked at "The Other" and found his eyes right there looking back at me. There was no exchange of words, no precious looks of things unsaid and unsayable in that environment, just a plain look that was all the connection we've ever had rolled into the simple meeting of our eyes. At that moment I knew I would never take back what I have done. I would never in a million years change the decision I made to be with him.

The only reason I ever feel a desire to undo the past is to be able to live up to other people's expectations, so that I wouldn't know what I was missing while living up to other people's expectations. I feel no real guilt for having and loving two men. I only feel guilty that I don't have enough strength to be open about it.

Sanity or Insanity?

In moments of particularly clarity/unclarity I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be "the cheating wife".

I understand firmly that I call my relationships polyamorous and I understand that it is so called consensual between all parties, that it is a lifestyle choice I have made not to end a perfectly good relationship just because I develop feelings for another, but deep down I still feel like I'm cheating. I still feel like "polyamory" is only a word to make it all ok in my mind. And sometimes I'm not ok with it anyway.

I understand the philosophy of polyamory. I understand the reasoning. I understand the desires and I see it from a very logical standpoint as something that should be accepted and embraced, because as one quick sift through blogs can tell you, there is a lot of cheating going on, there is a lot of alternative love styles, and there is a need for honesty. I understand that polyamory allows for those things and that pure honesty is a radical thing that is nearly incomprehensible.

But understanding doesn't change a lifetime of social norms, and it doesn't change the gut feelings that have been programmed into me since birth.

Sometimes I revel in the fact that I can have "My Other" I revel in the fact that I can have him and want him and that I can tell "The One". I revel in the fact that I don't have to suffer the agony and time and money and social scorn that still follows a divorce just to be ok with having feelings.

But other times I regret the innocence I have lost and the ability to be wholly honest with myself, with my family, with my community. I miss the sense of pureness, the sense of wholesome perfection that I had up until I started messing around. The one thing that really held me back from "The Other" was that wholesome perfection. The fact that I had had grown up pure and religious and had never slept with anyone other than my husband.

is it sanity or insanity that drives my divided desire for open polyamory and my loathing myself as "The cheating wife"?