Ambitious, "The One" is ambitious. I'm so excited for him. I guess I've never seen him so excited about a project he was working on. He's motivated and getting stuff done and holy she*t is it attractive. Who knew that a man being so excited could be so damn sexy? "The One" wants to start a bushiness, his very own bushiness. And I'm not going to stand in his way. I think it will be very good for him and I think the enthusiasm of really wanting to do what he is doing will make work so much more enjoyable for him. Ok so it means we are going to have a budget crunch and a lot of our fun little weekend trists are going to have be more like cornflakes by candlelight, but he's going to be so much happier.

I talked with "The Other" last night, and he seems to be lacking any ambition at all. He seems to be in a deep blue funk about life in general. He hasn't done really anything with his life yet and I think he finds that very depressing, although he won't admit to it directly. If I weren't already a happily married woman I would lay that guy like he's never been laid before and then kick his ass into doing something. The guy oozes with potential. I think all he needs to do to make something of it is some lady to tell him he can and give him a little encouragement. Honestly if I could find a girl who was good enough for him and willing to take him on as a project (although no woman should ever take on a man as a project) I really wouldn't begrudge their relationship (although in all honesty I'd be just a bit jealous) I don't understand my feelings for "The Other" I waffle back and forth all the time and one minute I want to fuck him like an animal and the next I can't even figure out why I'd be attracted. I really miss our deep connection. I kinda regret severing it, but one must do what one must do, and honestly I don't think it will be severed too long. One time of seeing each other in person and it'll all be there again. Even if we never admit to it again.

Met some bi-sexual lifestylers the other day. I meant to ask them all about their way of life and how it works and how they like it and all that, but I never did. I mean who really just says. . So you fuck men and women. . .Do you like it? Could you tell me in gory details about it so I can live my bi-curiosity out vicariously through you? . . .Yeah I somehow think that line of conversation would be a bit awkward to start up. Perhaps someday I'll ask about it tho. If I weren't so head over heals for "The One" I would seriously think about becoming a swinger. . . Only I don't want to swing with just anyone. I'm not the type of person who could give oral sex as a thank you to someone who carries a dresser for me or something. I would want it to be a deep and meaningful kind of thing. I don't go giving out that kind of stuff until the relationship is so deep there is no other form of communication deep enough for it.

I am in a dream marriage. "The One" is working his tail off to make my life easier, and more fun. And on top of all that he is making sure there is time for snuggling. He is the epitome of what a loving husband should be. I am hopelessly completely in love with him, it's just that sometimes I have these nagging suspicions that it's not what's it's supozed to be. I'm sure it's just that I'm not right in the head. But i feel like sometimes he is living a double life and I'm just too dense to notice. I can't imagine that he is actually doing these things, but I sometimes wonder all the same. Is that a normal thing to have happen? Does every woman wonder such things about a man that seems to good to be true for years on end? Oh well, I guess it's my pleasure.

I know I've said this before but I really think that "The Other" and I share a soul. Perhaps I was never meant to meet him. . . I mean how awkward is it to meet your own soul walking around in someone else. The good news is that I at least like my soul when I do meet it. Don't know what's up with "The Other" latley. Haven't had any contact that wasn't as short and consise as possible lately. I tried to break our mental link the other day. . . it's disturbing to be able to know what someone else is thinking. I think it might have worked and I feel really lonely without his occasional thought poping into my head. I think that has a lot to do with the moodiness I've been expeiencing as of late. Perhpas it is the grieving process for the loss of a conection. Not that I didn't want to loose the connection. It's hell on tha marriage after all, but I really will miss the connection. You see it all started the other night when "The Other" and I were having a disscusion via yahoo. "The Other" sent me an email greeting card that hit a little too close to home and then the ending note was something about me always being a big part of his life. It was sweet really but it set off something in me that I wasn't ready to deal with and when we ended our conversation that night it was almost like physical pain that he was leaving and I thought to myself "This is just too painful, it needs to stop" So I deleted and blocked his name from my IMs and haven't heard anything from him since except blurps through a mutual online group. Unfortunatly I don't like the silence

"The One" and I cleaned the house all day today. Not necessarily a romantic thing to do, but my love increased anyway. There is nothing like knowing your man is working his ass off to make your life a little easier, and being in a clean place is always conducive to better moods. I honestly think that clean sheets mean the difference between being horny horny horny and the blah-let's-go-to-sleep feeling.

I can't stop thinking about "The Other" I don't know why. I havne't seen him recently. I haven't talked to him latley. But I feel very connected to him. Every song reminds me of him, every thought reminds me of him. I half want to find him and give him a huge hug and half want to kick him in the ass for being who he is. I would have a damn perfect marriage if it weren't for him always being in my thoughts. I wish I could talk to him.

nothing about chicks today, Just undieing mind lust.

Relationship is going fabulous with "The One". We are talking, laughing and spending time together, and as luck would have it, we are still in the grope-you-every-chance-I-get phase. It really makes life enjoyable (not that I don't enjoy life otherwise) I'm not sure if I can extol properly the wonder of this "The One". He is charming, witty, resourceful, intelligent, caring, warm, snuggly, interesting, and interested (that's always an important thing in a mate) and for some dang reason he treats me like the earth itself should move if it makes me uncomfortable. I am truly the luckiest chick alive to have a man so great (and the fact that he has good personal hygiene and fashion sense helps too)

Haven't talked much with "The Other" lately. His life seems to be in a slightly stagnant rut. Although philosophically his toughts run deep, it's not everyday that one wants a heavy, deep, philosophical discussion. I find our shallow conversations tend to be very similar in nature all the time. His work is always the same. His schedule is always the same. His family is always the same. His life is always the same. There is something to be said for stability here, but it does tend to lack interest when repeated on an almost nightly basis. It would be nice if I could just dispense with the niceties and get into the meat of a discussion or for that matter just chat about the really pointless questions in life, such as the exchange of body parts or proverbial cats in bags. Not that I'm complaining. . . Well actually I am, but I really shouldn't, I mean I could just say goodnight and go snuggle with "The One".

In all truth, I haven't thought much about hot spicy women lately. Although I sometimes still wonder about how much easier (if any) a girl would be to live with. Mostly as of late I've been reverting into the wanting to be beat with leather and spanked and whatnot. I think it has something to do with having so much emotional pain that I need it to show physically. (yes, I'm damaged goods. Do you think anyone who wasn't would have a twisted little blog like this?)

"The One" and I have been getting it on like rabbits lately. It's actually a nice change from the usual pace. Ok wait let me spell it out a little clearer. . . We DON'T have a usual pace. In the five some years we have been married, It's been either many times a day, horny like we're still dating and in the prime of our love-making years, or it's been dried up like the hot dusty deserts that kill off the "river of love" So I'm glad we are in an "I want you so bad I don't care that the neighbors are watching" phase. It's like everything can be solved, ignored, or eradicated by the simple passion of touching the other person. Have I mentioned I really like this phase?

Last night online I was talking with "The Other" and we got into a nice philosophical discussion about the way god works and psychic energy. He is like the brain food that I crave. Also I discovered a deep mental connection that I've really known about all my life. I think perhaps that in the afterlife "The Other" and I are going to discover that we are actually the same soul. I also think the subtle sexual tension (subtle like the intestinal flu) I have with "The Other" is creating the stronger sex drive with "The One". I know this is going to sound a little nuts, but "The Other" is good for my relationship with "The One". I always want to be better for "The One" after hanging out with "The Other". And I think "The Other" would just kick himself if he knew how much he's done to save my love for "The One".

Will and Grace was playing a sleazy yet funny episode tonight about Grace having a three-some. This got my mind churning. I think it would be absolutely marvelous to have a three-some with a guy and a girl. (yeah, I know. I'm every man's fantasy) but I would want it to be an actual relationship and not just a hot steamy one nighter (that's my girl parts talking and you know it) Anyway, the way I imagine it would be me with my face full in the chick and me getting pumped from behind. (why am I telling you this? Oh yeah, because I'm anonymous and can get away with it) But I fantasize about it often. In fact it's one of the main fantasies I use to get me over the top during that "I'm going to tear your clothes off and take you right here right now" phase. Is this wrong? Is it some sign that I'm dike if I fantasize about women while getting it on with the man?

so the moral of tonight's story? Hell if I know, that's why I'm writing this damn blog.

Not sure I should be here. Not sure I should voice the echoes in my head. I may convince myself of something I don't want to think about but can't seem to set aside.

You see the truth of the story is that I am a married woman, a happily married woman. I am madly in love with my husband but have deep abiding feelings for a long time friend. In fact sexuality at large confuses me. Perhaps I'm a lesbian and just don't know it yet.

I'm here to air all this out to myself and hope to find in the end. . . Myself.

Shall we start at the beginning. . . My Husband, I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember (since junior high) From before I even met him he was the standard by which I judged all other men. No one stacks up against "the one" He has always treated me like I was someone important, special and above all loved. I treasure his love. I adore his love. And I can't ever imagine myself without him.

About a year and a half before I got married I met "the other" At first I thought nothing of it. It was just a friendship formed by mutual activities. One night at said mutual activities we had a deep conversation and I started to fall for something deep within this other. Our friendship deepened into many philosophical debates but always remained just a friendship. I know he has tried to tell me how he feels, and everyone can see the depth of his caring simply by the way his eyes follow me. The sexual tension when we are together is thick enough to grab hold of like it's fleshy budge around a waist.

and then there is women. . . I think the female form is ever so much more attractive than the male form. . . I can imagine myself loving a female form more so than a male form.

I'd say I'm in a love triangle. . . But it's really more love squared.