Communication

Communication is essential to all aspects of any relationship. Which made this article really stand out to me. I like that challenge for a new years resolution. . . Although I think I might start before new years. "The One" will be home soon and we'll be childless for the night with no other commitments. . .

I have a bottle of wine sitting on the counter, I could easily build a fire, and I'd enjoy getting naked and giving examples of what it is that I love doing to him and receiving samples of things I love having done to me. (and vice versa) . . . hmm maybe I'll even pull out the camera.

I know my men.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/howwelldoyouunderstandmenquiz/">How Well Do You Understand Men?

I know my men.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/howwelldoyouunderstandmenquiz/">How Well Do You Understand Men?

Everything is right with the world

The whole entire world seemed out of place with "The One" and I not communicating well, and "The Other" and I wanting each other and not doing anything about it.

Last night after "The Other" and I stayed late at work last night to "game". It felt soo good to be in his arms. We lay next to each other on the floor talking and snuggling. We talked and talked and talked and all of the mental stimulation did a trick it generally does for me and made me horny. You can only play with my largest sex organ for so long before I want to tear all your clothes off and do wild randy things. Needless to say this led to being held down and fucked until I had that one of a kind orgasm that "The Other" creates. Yeah, I soooooooooo missed that.

This afternoon when "The One" came home from work, I told him about it. He took it suprizingly well. We also talked about little things that have been missing from our relationship recently. I particularly miss the secret admirer who wrote the most incredibly love notes with a bad accent. "The One" would claim no knowledge of this foreign stranger who wrote in my adorable husband's chicken scratch handwriting. Or the little love notes left on the table, the pillow, the computer. Just simple notes to say thank you, or I love you. It would seem that time is harder to come by now that he doesn't have a nine to five and I'm not a stay home mom anymore. (hmmm who would've thought) We're going to try and set aside time for each other, making it a priority instead of that it happens all the time so we don't need to try thing we've always had. I mentioned that "The Other" and I are very likely going to be in relationship mode again. I'm not allowed to change my mind anymore on the wanting/having "The Other" anymore. At least not without discussing it with "The One". The change of expectations is too hard on him.

I may start putting my feelers out for a hot polyamorous bisexual gaming girl again. I'm not sure, but I get the impression these aren't overly common, especially in my conservative little neck of the woods. But the world seems so right at the moment that anything is possible.

Consenting Adults

I've been collecting a list of sex blogs recently. I'd say the vast majority of them are well written, extremely entertaining, and involve lieing and cheating. I have found two exceptions that am beginning to read on a regular basis: Venting Housewife and Goose and Gander.

What draws me to these particular websites is the honesty factor. No one is worried about being caught (except perhaps by family and friends who may get embarrassed) No one is cheating, No one is lieing, and everyone gets a good healthy does of exploring and reveling in their sexuality.

I envy that a little. I'm working hard on the complete honesty thing. It's harder than I imagined it would be to be completely honest. I want to be completely honest, I just don't want anyone to get hurt in the process, which is ridiculous. I know "The One" would rather know how I feel. And it's not that I hide things, I just never get my full opinion out because one look from him and I clam up wishing I didn't have any feelings. I know I would rather know how he feels, even if he thinks it will hurt me. I'd prefer to know, than to suspect things far worse than they really might be. But mostly I think I let little things slip through the crack because I don't feel supported in my desires and sharing feelings with someone who always makes you feel wrong for having them takes all the fun out of having them.

There are parts of sexuality that I'd love to explore. I'd love to be tied up with Christmas lights, or have wax dripped on me. I'd love to try butt plugs, and anal beads, being tied up in hemp ropes. I'd like to try things we could never admit to in public and would ruin any chance of ever having a political career, but I want to do them with someone who is as excited about trying out these things as I am. A reluctant partner isn't the same as being consenting adults.

Dirty minded

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts
4.If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst.
5. I've never seen a better spread
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Du hast mich

Well, it's official, "The One" hates me. It hurts so much when he looks at me like I'm one of the cats caught shitting in the bathroom because it's too cold to go outside. I think what hurts most about it is that I deserve it. Sure it makes me feel so small that I could sit on the edge of a dime and my feet wouldn't touch the ground, sure it makes me feel so gross even a dog wouldn't roll in my scent, Sure it makes me feel more slimy than the underlayer of pond scum, but I deserve it. My intentions are never to hurt him or cause him reason to hate me, but somehow I always do. Usually my intentions are to open up honest communication and say something I've been wanting or meaning to say. I generally start off with some innocent conversation and when I think things are going well and we're communicating well I say something stupid, but honest. Tonight I told "The One" that "The Other" and I were kissing again. And "The One" changed, all communication stopped. He just looked at me. I waited for the open flow of communication to start, but he just said he had thought it was over and then he went to bed.

"The One" deserves better than this. He deserves someone who loves him with all her heart, so much so that she can't even see other men, like they just don't exist. He deserves a woman that sticks with her decisions. He deserves a woman who can be totally and completely honest with him about everything and have it only bring him joy instead of sorrow. He deserves a woman who could give him more children. He deserves a woman who has the energy to spend time with the children doing all sorts of wonderful stuff, and cleaning and someone who enjoys cooking, or at the very least does it anyway. He deserves better. He deserves better than me.

And now that I've hurt "The One" I might as well hurt "The Other". There we were standing closer than we should tonight. Saying things we shouldn't, touching places we shouldn't. And as I enjoyed each sensation of it all I could think about was my fear. What if I were to be his, completely and totally his? Would it be the same a few years down the line? Would I be stupid and mess things up? Would I doubt the way I feel? Would he look at me with that same pained look that hurts so much? Would it be all the same problems? "The One" and "The Other" are enough alike that I can see there being some similar relational issues down the line. And it makes me worry.

Hard to say.

"The One" and I have been hanging out in the evenings watching bad TV shows together. It's been kind of fun. For a while I just neglected my sexual energy, but I'm starting to pour the extra into "The One" again. It's not as ravenous as it used to be.

I can't say as I'm having trouble not communicating everything to "The Other". I feel like I'm not really communicating with him at all. He hasn't been online since I shared with him a conversation about still wanting him. I miss talking with him. It's only been a day and a half since we talked and I feel just slightly lame admitting that it feels like forever.

Rant

*Walks up and slaps "The Other" across the face* How am I not worth it? How can you just put your years of wanting aside? Especially now that you've tasted the fruit! How can you just walk away after telling me you want me? How can you swear up and down that I'll be yours but not do anything to make it happen? AAAAH *venting frustration sound* *walking away*

At Face Value

"The One", "The Other", and I watched a spectacularly bad movie together last night. Just before the movie "The Other" made a comment that hit below the belt, he went right for the throat of one of my worst weaknesses and made my bad day even worse. (Hence the previous post) The only time I made contact with anyone during the movie was when I was bitter about the choice of entertainment and was making comments of forcing the guys to watch "Steal magnolias" or "Beaches" to get back at them.

Later I got online to talk to "The Other". After telling him he's and ass and getting an apology, he told me he has no plans to pursue our relationship. He plans to let go and get over me. It'll take me a while to let go. Giving up the sex won't be that bad, I already can't remember well enough to get excessively wet thinking about how he feels inside me. What will be hardest is giving up the level of connection and communication that we have. I tell him everything, more than that, I want to tell him everything. He's always there to listen. He's always non judgmental and supportive and makes me feel happy, whole, connected, loved, appreciated, accepted. . . Whatever it is that I need or want to feel. That's what I'm going to miss.

Good-bye "My Other". May our friendship be wonderful, if not wholly fulfilling.

It's so Over

You fucking ass. If my reasons seemed odd before you've certainly shored them up now. You're lucky you work for me or I'd tell you to get your ass out and never talk to you again.

The Lesbian Connection

"The Other" came over last night. I knew it was dumb. I knew I should have just told him to go home, but I wanted him to touch me. The excuse was a backrub, as my back has had some pain recently. Of course rubbing my back led to rubbing other areas which led to him going down on me and my screaming out things like "Oh God, The Other" and moaning. It didn't lead to sex tho. It lead to talking and "The Other" letting out his inner assertive asshole (this is a good thing) and demanding that I am his, demanding I tell him that I am his. He stated rather forcefully that I will be his completley. And then he left.

This morning "The One" came down and when I told him the back rub led to making out he asked me to define "making out". He had heard. He knew. He probably suspected more than what we actually did. I promised to not put myself in that situation again. I promised not to be alone with "The Other" anymore. He didn't ask me to promise but one look in his eyes and I wanted too. He has a look and a tone of voice that comes out when he's dissapointed in me. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate the fact that I'm alive or that I feel or that I could hurt him. Makes me want to swear off feeling entirely.

Sylvia isn't talking to me anymore. I'm not sure what I did to make her leave. I feel as if I've lost a once in a lifetime opprotunity for something deeper than I could have ever imagined. For having a fabulous life it's amazing how much I hurt.

Obvious Nothing

I've decided I hate men and want to be a straight up lesbian. . . Except that whole penis thing, I like penis.

It's "The One's" birthday. He stayed home and slept and cleaned and when I got home we ordered a pizza for dinner. I made many a hints and suggestion as to things I would like to do to him. I knew I had succeeded in letting him know what it is I was interested in when pretty much told me told me there was no way I was getting any and I might as well go fuck "The Other". It wasn't at all the response I wanted, but it made it clear that he at least understood I was horny and looking for his sexual attention. "The One" and his friends decided to have a birthday party, at the store. I went along, although I wasn't included in the games, and truth to tell I wasn't very interested in the games.

"The Other" was at the store when we got there (someone has to be there) and he and I flirted. But a while into it I realized I wasn't going to get what I wanted by flirting and hinting at desires to use the corporate bathroom for sexual acts. I had no intention of doing anything with "The Other" and when I realized that I couldn't even flirt the desire for sex quickly faded all together.
I was left with an empty void that should have been longing but was just undersirable, a mix of sour grapes and self disgust.

IT'S SO NOT FAIR!!!

"The One" has been sick latley, yeah still. And as bad I feel for him, I feel even worse that he isn't up for sex. I'm so horny that I'm nearly comming just sitting here thinking about how bad I want it. Oh I've done the take care of it myself thing, but masturbation just isn't satisfing when all I can think about is a man's hand on my back his lips brushing against my neck or his hot breath against my ear as we fuck. And then there's that fucking thing. . . no toy has ever or will ever be able to replace the feel of a penis jammed tightly in my pussy over and over as I ride towards extasy.

I understand that it's going to take a while to get over "The Other" but of all the times to end a relationship, the time where I'm hornier than texas cattle and "The One" is unable to fullfill it has got to be the worst timing that could ever have been invented. It's just downright evil of the powers that be to leave me in a cunundrum of wanting to fuck and wanting to be fucked and not being able to do a damned thing about it.

After the ultimatum

"The Other" had just left. Leaving me laying their with nothing but a blanket and my thoughts. And my thoughts were a mess. So I did what any girl would do, I let myself cry. And as I felt the tears run down my face, my thoughts organized themselves and before long I knew the answer. The tears dried up and I slept.

It was odd how once I knew the answer I could no longer cry. It was odd how once I couldn't cry the invisible barrier that keeps me from sleep evaporated.

I know I dreamt and the dreams were all processing the information. I awoke this morning still mulling it all over in my mind. Thinking and rethinking every aspect of it. I've had a song stuck in my head all day. It's a short song from a Christians children's tape. It's about a piece of white string.

The Ultimatum

"The Other" came home with me last night, but it wasn't the kind of come home with me that goes with a date. It was the kind that was platonic and had a purpose. But Anyways he was across the room from me and I couldn't think of anything but wanting to be closer to him. So I inevitably gave in and went and sat beside him, then laid down next to him and we talked. We talked about paintings and weather and all sorts of inane small chatter while the tension grew stronger and harder to resist. Then we started to talk about us. He talked about a plan he has to win me over, I wouldn't let him give me a hint. He waxed poetic on how he feels about me, I liked it. We sat there looking deep into each others eyes while he told me all sorts of things that would make any girl feel incredibly special. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to hold me, but I held the line. I kept telling myself I'd wait till he made the move and then I'd try and vaguely resist. . . Vaguely.

We talked until around 5am when he decided he needed to go home. As he got his shoes and coat on we talked about fears. He thought I was playing yo-yo with his emotions because I didn't trust his love. It's never been a matter of not trusting him with my heart. And he ended up laying beside me again as I tried to tell him that, which led to what my real fears are. Fears can be wholly irrational and very hard to explain, even worse you often have to face them to be able to explain them. I had to think pretty hard to be able to let him see what it is I fear and in the end he stated it to me instead of me to him. I fear the stability of my love. Easier to hurt him now and get it over with than years down the road feel trapped because it I don't want to hurt him and it would hurt that much more, be wrapped up that much more in the entirety of my life. But that's not my only fear. The other fear is worse. I fear feeling. Don't get me wrong I feel. I have emotions and all, but I tend to look at them from a logical point of view and use them only as a gut instinct to use with logic. I get afraid every time I feel deeper than I've allowed myself too in the past, and "The Other" has a knack for pushing my emotional boundaries. Every time our relationship hits a new level of intimacy, every time I feel an overwhelming sensation of a love deeper than I thought I could I run.

At the very end he kissed my forehead and laid down an ultimatum. "Either wind the yo-yo up and put in your pocket or cut the string" and then he left without allowing me to say anything else.