The Ultimatum

"The Other" came home with me last night, but it wasn't the kind of come home with me that goes with a date. It was the kind that was platonic and had a purpose. But Anyways he was across the room from me and I couldn't think of anything but wanting to be closer to him. So I inevitably gave in and went and sat beside him, then laid down next to him and we talked. We talked about paintings and weather and all sorts of inane small chatter while the tension grew stronger and harder to resist. Then we started to talk about us. He talked about a plan he has to win me over, I wouldn't let him give me a hint. He waxed poetic on how he feels about me, I liked it. We sat there looking deep into each others eyes while he told me all sorts of things that would make any girl feel incredibly special. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to hold me, but I held the line. I kept telling myself I'd wait till he made the move and then I'd try and vaguely resist. . . Vaguely.

We talked until around 5am when he decided he needed to go home. As he got his shoes and coat on we talked about fears. He thought I was playing yo-yo with his emotions because I didn't trust his love. It's never been a matter of not trusting him with my heart. And he ended up laying beside me again as I tried to tell him that, which led to what my real fears are. Fears can be wholly irrational and very hard to explain, even worse you often have to face them to be able to explain them. I had to think pretty hard to be able to let him see what it is I fear and in the end he stated it to me instead of me to him. I fear the stability of my love. Easier to hurt him now and get it over with than years down the road feel trapped because it I don't want to hurt him and it would hurt that much more, be wrapped up that much more in the entirety of my life. But that's not my only fear. The other fear is worse. I fear feeling. Don't get me wrong I feel. I have emotions and all, but I tend to look at them from a logical point of view and use them only as a gut instinct to use with logic. I get afraid every time I feel deeper than I've allowed myself too in the past, and "The Other" has a knack for pushing my emotional boundaries. Every time our relationship hits a new level of intimacy, every time I feel an overwhelming sensation of a love deeper than I thought I could I run.

At the very end he kissed my forehead and laid down an ultimatum. "Either wind the yo-yo up and put in your pocket or cut the string" and then he left without allowing me to say anything else.