Sanity or Insanity?
In moments of particularly clarity/unclarity I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be "the cheating wife".
I understand firmly that I call my relationships polyamorous and I understand that it is so called consensual between all parties, that it is a lifestyle choice I have made not to end a perfectly good relationship just because I develop feelings for another, but deep down I still feel like I'm cheating. I still feel like "polyamory" is only a word to make it all ok in my mind. And sometimes I'm not ok with it anyway.
I understand the philosophy of polyamory. I understand the reasoning. I understand the desires and I see it from a very logical standpoint as something that should be accepted and embraced, because as one quick sift through blogs can tell you, there is a lot of cheating going on, there is a lot of alternative love styles, and there is a need for honesty. I understand that polyamory allows for those things and that pure honesty is a radical thing that is nearly incomprehensible.
But understanding doesn't change a lifetime of social norms, and it doesn't change the gut feelings that have been programmed into me since birth.
Sometimes I revel in the fact that I can have "My Other" I revel in the fact that I can have him and want him and that I can tell "The One". I revel in the fact that I don't have to suffer the agony and time and money and social scorn that still follows a divorce just to be ok with having feelings.
But other times I regret the innocence I have lost and the ability to be wholly honest with myself, with my family, with my community. I miss the sense of pureness, the sense of wholesome perfection that I had up until I started messing around. The one thing that really held me back from "The Other" was that wholesome perfection. The fact that I had had grown up pure and religious and had never slept with anyone other than my husband.
is it sanity or insanity that drives my divided desire for open polyamory and my loathing myself as "The cheating wife"?
posted by Penelope at 9:49 AM
1 Comments:
It sounds like we feel similiar in that it is more of an internal moral issue than being a cheating wife. We are good people and would never have thought we would ever cross that line. Personally, I find the struggle is due to the high expectations I put on myself and the way others perceive me --as a good, moral person who would never do such a thing. You did it, you can't turn back the clock. You have to decide if you want to continue that's the only thing you can change--the present and future. Good luck! I like your blog!
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