The Lesbian Connection

"The Other" came over last night. I knew it was dumb. I knew I should have just told him to go home, but I wanted him to touch me. The excuse was a backrub, as my back has had some pain recently. Of course rubbing my back led to rubbing other areas which led to him going down on me and my screaming out things like "Oh God, The Other" and moaning. It didn't lead to sex tho. It lead to talking and "The Other" letting out his inner assertive asshole (this is a good thing) and demanding that I am his, demanding I tell him that I am his. He stated rather forcefully that I will be his completley. And then he left.

This morning "The One" came down and when I told him the back rub led to making out he asked me to define "making out". He had heard. He knew. He probably suspected more than what we actually did. I promised to not put myself in that situation again. I promised not to be alone with "The Other" anymore. He didn't ask me to promise but one look in his eyes and I wanted too. He has a look and a tone of voice that comes out when he's dissapointed in me. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate the fact that I'm alive or that I feel or that I could hurt him. Makes me want to swear off feeling entirely.

Sylvia isn't talking to me anymore. I'm not sure what I did to make her leave. I feel as if I've lost a once in a lifetime opprotunity for something deeper than I could have ever imagined. For having a fabulous life it's amazing how much I hurt.