Dear "The One"
All I goddamn want is your attention. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want you to rub my sore shoulder and hold me when I'm not feeling well? Is it too much to think that you would comfort me when I'm blue, talk to me even when you are moody? Shouldn't I have the right to expect those kinds of things? All I want is for you to really want me the way I want you. I want to know that you love me. I want to know that you care and that you wrap your arms around me, pat me on the back and tell me everything is going to be ok, but you can't seem to do that. Instead why don't you just isolate yourself from me. Hide away in your fucking videogames. . . Never mind that I'm trying. I'm really goddamn fucking trying. Ok so your disappointed, I understand that. But I'm trying to make it better. Stop playing the goddamn martyr no one wants a goddamn martyr. fuck you.
your loving wife

"The One" is a sweet heart. He takes good care of me, and he takes good care of the house, and he takes care of a lot of things (he also neglects a lot of things, like paperwork) but on the whole he is a fabulous husband.

"The Other" came over last night. I know I said there would be no more. But I at least had a valid excuse and we didn't do anything other than watch movies. There was no snuggling, no unnecessary touching, nope, none of all that. We were very well behaved (I wasn't feeling well so this was particularily easy for me) although I noted in his voice that it wasn't so easy for him, and I half enjoyed the torture it caused him. . . No that's not true the torture it caused him is what hurt me about it, what I enjoyed was knowing that he wanted me. Is it wrong for me to still want him? And if it is how do I go about changing the fact that I want him? And if it's not wrong, how do I change things so I can have him?

Have I mentioned lately those hot lesbian chicks? Where do you suppose I find them?

If. . .
I stated that if I were to go with the "I can have my cake and eat it too" plan that I would proclaim to the world that I am who I am, but I didn't. I went ahead with the fun of the plan but didn't deal with the consequences. That must have been the downfall. That must be the reason for the guilt, the reason for the shame, the reason why I felt it wasn't right even while I felt it was so right.

I proclaim loudly that I shouldn't care what other people think. That I don't give a rats ass about their opinion. But I care. I care so deeply that I'm living a lie to maintain what others think of me.

No ones allowed into my head to see who I really am. I'm afraid of who I really am. Because I know I'm not who they think I am, and I don't want to disappoint them with the truth. They all expect one thing and I'm trying damn hard to deliver, but I can't. I fail at it all the time and with one sentence they proclaim their support of who I am now and in the next they remind me of the obligations that I have to live that lie to fulfill. I've been flat out told that I'll be accepted as the new me, but then told literally in the next sentence that I'm not allowed to change. I'm living a lie and a couple days ago I decided with all my heart to try to be the best at that lie as possible.

I think I know where this is going to end up one day. I'm just waiting for that one day to come along. I know things aren't right for it yet. Maybe they never will be. But I suspect someday they will be. I love "The One" he's the greatest guy imaginable. He's a loving husband, an adoring father, a decent provider and alarmingly sweet. The trouble is my heart seems to belong elsewhere, no matter how hard I try for it not too. I couldn't possibly leave "The One" for "The Other" right now. Right now "The Other" has nothing to offer except his love, which in a romantic tale is sweet and all but in real life it's a bunch of bullshit that leads to unhappiness. Someday he'll get his shit together and then he'll be ready, and I'll be here waiting.

I'm the world to "The One" or at least I imagine I am, which is mostly the same thing. I like individuality, but if he wants me to be like the me he used to know than I can try. I can't be her exactly, and inside it hurts that I can't think like that, but on the outside I can paste on a smile and pretend. I can act like her, I can look like her. I can't think like her. I can't feel like her. But noone on the outside has to know that. No one needs to know the pain it causes. For all purposes I am her. . . Until one day it's too much and then I'll leave, just disappear with the wind.

"The Other" is gone. I let him go. After a conversation with "The One" about jealousy, I got online and bluntly told "The Other" that it's over. "The Other" isn't out of my life forever. We all know that it isn't possible to quit his addictive presence cold turkey. So there's just no more naughty. There's no more unnecessary touching, no more late night snuggling and movie watching, no more waiting around for hours to invite him over after work. NO more. I'll still talk to him online. I'll still see him at work. I'll still invite him over to videogame with "The One" occasionally. He's neither gone, nor forgotten, but it feels like I've ripped my heart apart and threw it away.

Running away with hot lesbians still sounds fun. . . Perhaps someday.

Whatever! You are a fat fucking looser slob. You need to lose weight. You need a real fucking job. You need your own place. You need to leave me the hell alone. If I'm not enough for you to pursue me openly, not caring who else's life you ruin, who knows you love me, who feels any other way then what's the point. I don't need talk. I don't need subtle I need full out pursuit. There is no fucking point otherwise. I just don't care. I don't want to care. STOP making me care. I want larger than life romance. I need to be NEEDED. If you can't do that go away. Just fucking go away.

I want to. I want to love "The One" with all my heart. I want to have a deep unabiding passion that takes over everytime I am near him. I want to find him the most irresistible thing imaginable. He is everything I want. He is everything I need. He is everything inside of me that I wish I could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to me and I don't know why. The truth is he is a fabulous husband, and he's trying really hard to provide for us. He is caring and loving and warm and witty and resourceful and kind and inquisitive and sensual and intelligent. He is practical and creative and calm and understanding and helpful and many-faceted. He is all of that and a bag of nuts. He rocks in the sack. He kisses like a fine wine. And I want more than anything to be as in love with him as she was. And I want him to love me back. ME not her. But he can't even see that we aren't the same person. He's so in love with her he can't see that she is gone. Maybe we'll learn to love each other all over again. Maybe he'll fall for me. And maybe I can love him the way I so desperately long to. Maybe we need to start dating. Maybe I need to make him earn his sex, the way I would any man I date. Only then where would I get my nooky?


I hate "The Other"* I hate him for being there. I hate him for being him. I hate him for making me question. For making me wonder, for letting there be another option. I Hate him. I hate "The Other" for smelling good, for setting off my buttons, for turning me on. I hate him for not making the move before I was married. I hate him for not being what I wanted and not being good enough to leave "The One" for. I hate him for not being better. I hate him for still being who he is when he isn't better. I hate him. I hate myself for wanting him, but not enough to actually take him. I hate him for that. I just plain fucking hate him.

I should run away from them both and have wild succulent sex with hot lesbians.

*I don't actually hate him, I just need someone to blame and right now he fits the bill.

I can't do it. I can't do him. Everytime I'm done with some of the most intense pleasure of my life (and that's just the frosting, I haven't had any cake yet) I can't stand the way I feel afterwards. It's a half guilt, half loathing, I don't know exactly what the feeling is, but it always makes me want to leave him alone and never touch him again. Even while I long for the pleasure of "The Other's" frosting.

So today I broke down. I can't do it. I messengered him one word, "bye" then I deleted and blocked him from all my accounts. Already I miss him. Knowing when he gets off work tonight that he'll be expecting to IM me and maybe get together and do some make-out/petting. But I can't do it. And although I know the cutting him out of my life won't last. It's all I can do for now.

ok so it's probably not strickly the pheremones, because I'm thinking about "The Other" again and I haven't been anywhere near him to smell him all day. It's probably hormones too. Of couse it could just be that I'm in those fertile days and I'd pretty much take sex anyway I could get it about now. I want someone to make me "happy" yeah I don't mean happy I mean "HAPPY". I would love for "The One" To take care of this for me. But he's been a bit on the moody side lately (hmm. . . think it might have something to do with the blowjob I gave to someone else that he swears he's ok with) That and he isn't here. He's been at work all day. ALL DAY and now that he's off work he's out with one of his friends. Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge this friend anything as he's "The One's" best friend from growing up and only comes to town on occasion. It's just that I'm damn horny and I want someone to take care of it for me. I can't even call up "The Other" right now and play around (an excersise in frustration at the moment) because he's at work too.

I know, I know, at least they both work. better than what I could go for. But I WANT SEX! ok I'm going to go read a book, maybe take a cold shower, something like that. I'll be fine. I just have to realise it's only hormones and in a couple days it'll pass. PLEASE GOD LET IT PASS!

Did I say I was going to take my dear sweet time? Well it leapt right into large fingerfuls of frosting breaking into the cake aka: blowjob. I guess I'm not so good at the taking it slow thing. The thing is that it didn't really make me happy. I mean don't get me wrong "The Other" is decently endowed and was very pleasant to lick like a lollipop, but the whole overall effect just wasn't quite right. I guess I belong heart and soul to "The One" I'm always afraid that I'm going to go one step too far and seriously hurt "The One". "The One" claims that he is cool with all of it and shows no signs of jealousy at all, I think that is part of what worries me. I mean it's cool that he is confident that I will love him no matter what else I do. But what if it's not so much that he knows that how I fell about someone else won't diminish the way I feel about him, but that he doesn't even care how I feel about him. Like he's impervious to my feelings? Being near the one makes me happy. Thinking of being with him forever makes me smile. And although I can't in anyway deny heavy HEAVY sexual tension with "The Other" I'm not sure if there is anything there besides friendship and pheremones.

I'm pretty sure that's what really does it for me. Friendship and pheremones. "The Other" although someone I think about as a dear and extremely close friend, in close proximity sets off every sexual button I have. Last night while I was at work with "The Other" it became quite clear to me that pheremones play a really large part in my attraction. When I was far enough away from him that I couldn't smell him I was fine. Like nothing really there. But when I walked into his wafting space alarms and triggers went off like a car alarm from a local bomb. But a min or two after I walked back out of that smelling range I was fine again. Like nothing had happened fine. It was rather weird. It's interesting to know that his pheremones set me off like that. From a strictly biological point of view that would mean that we make a good genetic match. From a psychological viewpoint it makes me question all the feelings that have hit me so strong when I'm sitting next to him. Was it all just pheremones? Is that all I want with him? Is it just some base instinct of good reproduction?

I've always been one to choose a man partly for his breeding stock, but it's wrong to have that as the sole means, especially when breeding isn't in the picture.

It's a little early to be counting chickens and all but I told "The One" about the "I can have my cake and eat it too plan" and he went for it. Like he was totally cool with it. We discussed the ideas of how we would go about communicating about it and what the ground rules are for my relationship with "The Other"

The are:
We can't do anything other than light petting in my house (afterall that's the space I share with "The One".
There are no public displays of affection and we aren't to make it known to anyone (some relatives and friends wouldn't take it very well at all)
I have to wait at least a month to f*ck the guy
to take it as slow as I want

Really not a whole lot of ground rules, but enough to keep things interesting. I've found that now that the rules are set up and I'm allowed to do things light petting is really all I'm interested in. In this case I'm not so interested in eating the cake as just snitching the frosting. I think I'm going to take my Dear sweet time and savor every fingerful of decadent frosting.