If. . .
I stated that if I were to go with the "I can have my cake and eat it too" plan that I would proclaim to the world that I am who I am, but I didn't. I went ahead with the fun of the plan but didn't deal with the consequences. That must have been the downfall. That must be the reason for the guilt, the reason for the shame, the reason why I felt it wasn't right even while I felt it was so right.

I proclaim loudly that I shouldn't care what other people think. That I don't give a rats ass about their opinion. But I care. I care so deeply that I'm living a lie to maintain what others think of me.

No ones allowed into my head to see who I really am. I'm afraid of who I really am. Because I know I'm not who they think I am, and I don't want to disappoint them with the truth. They all expect one thing and I'm trying damn hard to deliver, but I can't. I fail at it all the time and with one sentence they proclaim their support of who I am now and in the next they remind me of the obligations that I have to live that lie to fulfill. I've been flat out told that I'll be accepted as the new me, but then told literally in the next sentence that I'm not allowed to change. I'm living a lie and a couple days ago I decided with all my heart to try to be the best at that lie as possible.