Ha ha, I did it. I just came out and asked.

here's how it went.

Me: so anyways I don't mean to be horribly blunt but I'm really quite curious about polyamory and how it's all working out for you and stuff
Her: yeah, john mentioned that you'd probably mention it - which is coolatysmee: how's it working for me? Great!
Her: I've got a great boyfriend who's, as much as possible, "the love of my life" in john...atysmee: and I don't have to deny the fact that I still like to flirt, that I still like to have other needs satisfied...atysmee: it's not all about sex, but that's a big bonus
Me: How did you get into polyamory, and how do the men usually respond to finding out?
Me: Is it an open fact in your life to your parents/family/friends?
Her: to be honest, I haven't really had to do much searching outside of the local poly groupatysmee: and as far as being open, I'm open with those who I'm pretty sure won't freak out about it...
Her: but I don't make it a big deal to the rest, like family, etc.
Me: Were you in a long term relationship when you decided one wasn't enough?
Her: right now I've got john, and my other boyfriend ron is like a member of the family, but not to the point where we're doing huge family introductions yetatysmee: I think I've always know, deep down that I wasn't made that way...
Her: I was a serial monogamistatysmee: then realized there were other ways of dealing with how I felt
Her: I ended up dating a guy who was poly, and the rest just sort of clicked into place
Her: it hasn't always been easy, but right now it's pretty good - as a woman it seems a lot easier (and safer) to pursue other relationships if you already have a primary relationship
Her: as long as you have the support and the communication with your primary partner
Her: It's still tough to deal with communication and jealosy

Me: yes, and how does communication go when you have to tell the primary all about how you want the secondary?
Her: but there's an understanding that you're not replacing or being replaced by an additional partner
Her: well, with john, he knew that ron and I were already planning on dating when john and I got together
Her: ron is married, and he and his wife were not ready to add any additional relationship for a while, so I waited, and John and I built up our primary relationship
Her: when it was right for everyone involved, Ron and I started officially dating
Her: with John, he's openly poly, even though he's never engaged in more than one relationship at a time (although he'd like to).
Her: so I got lucky - that communication and understanding were there in the first place.
Her: As far as bring up poly in a currently monogamous relationship...it's all about communcation and trust.
Me: well it won't by any means be the first time we've talked about the idea
Her: It never fails - the poly mantra seems to be "communicate, communicate, communicate", but even with that there's always room for misunderstanding
Me: It's howver the first time there's been a name given of another person
Her: ah - well, I'd recommend letting your husband dictate his comfort level...getting closer and more intimate with someone will generate some pretty intense energy for you, and he will notice it for sure. Let him be able to make use of some of that, let him share that while you find out what it is you share with that other person.
Me: this other person and I have had sexual tenstion for 7 years. I know what's there
Me: and hubbys been getting the pleasure from that for a long time
Her: Even when we rationally can think out how we MIGHT feel about a given situation, the emotions and feelings we actually generate tend to be a little more volatile and chaotic than we imagine
Me: yeahatysmee: so it can be exponentially more positive and/or more negative when it becomes reality
Her: and as difficult as it may be, time is a big tool to use in fleshing out your husband's comfort levels
Me: yeah
Her: there are many different ways to negotiate what is permissible between people outside of your primary relationships
Her: it's interesting to discuss how you two might actually define what is considered "sex", what is an appropriate length of time before this other person can spend a night in your home, before (or if ever) you can have unprotected sex with them...atysmee: Ron and his wife spent an entire weekend a couple of years ago putting together a relationship contract
Me: do go on
Her: I don't have contracts between my partners, but I do agree with them what is "safe", what is not "safe", how to deal with contraception, how to deal with feeling deeply about someone and what to do if your primary doesn't like that person...
Here: Setting some ground limits seems to be a good start. Like, do you share your bed with other partners? Do you designate a separate bedroom or location for your encounters with other partners?
Her: Is there a length of time you need to wait until you share passionate kisses with a new partner (for those who are concerned about spreading germs/stds)?
Her: Does your partner have veto power over your potential partners?
Her: (to me vetos tend to negate themselves, since if there is an objection to someone your partner wants to date, that may be an indication of something going on in that primary relationship). Ron and his wife have a 7 day veto power window with new potential partners...

Her: if his wife (or vice versa) has an objection to a new partner, it has to be raised within the first 7 days of the relationship in order for it to have an effect. Otherwise the potential for greater intimacy has increased to the point where it is unlikely that that alone with stop the relationship at that point
Me: all very interesting. i'd never thought o question if my husband would have veto power
Her: if poly is a new concept to him, he may find something like that useful, or as an initial security blanket to ease the transition
Me: When I made my vows, I promised not fidelity, but that I wouldn't do anything without his permissionatysmee: or at least the reality of it is that new for him
Her: permission is nice - that's really about communication and trust
Me: (i wanted to leave it open for threesomes and what not)

Her: for some play is enough. For me, play is fun, but I need more depth to my relationships, especially when I find someone I really care about. If I had to make that choice, John would be the one man I'd be with for the rest of my life. But...I'm happiest having the freedom to really experience where and what my heart leads me to...
Her: and right now I choose to include Ron that way in my life. That doesn't exclude John, that doesn't limit the depth of feelings I have for him, but he instead reaps the benefits of my happiness, my increased energy of being loving with someone else
Her: Again, it's been pretty easy for me, because I've found my current partners within the poly group...so that level of understanding and communication were there from the beginning
Her: But the concept of open relationships, open marriages is not new, and is more common than one might think.
Me: yes, I've found a ton of people who have them
Her: and most of them seem pretty happyatysmee: there really is such a thing as open, honest, responsible non-monogamy.
Her: For John, his ideal would be to have an intentional family. To him, the concept of having 3 women and 2 men could cover all the needs of the members of the group resource-wise, and support any children created by that union
Me: I'm absorbing all this (in case my silence is scary)
Her: no - it's (to sound totally hippy/druggie) a heavy trip, man
Her: there's a lot to think about, and you're breaking new ground in your relationship
Her: that's your foundation...
Me: I like the intentional family idea but finding that many people who work well together would be so rough
Her: and your other relationship can only be solid if your foundation is
Me: I think I'd rather be neighbors with outside lovers
Her: yeah, right now I can't foresee there being a communal living thing for us either
Her: we've only lived together officially since the end of February, and still haven't even made much of a dent in getting the new house in shape
Her: i think it's pretty vital for me/us to have some time as a couple for that (to sound all biology/zoology) pair-bonding that creates a solid relationship
Her: right now I could see us living on our own, and if the circumstances/situation is right, maybe have a kid...


and we went on for quite a while longer, but you get the point.