I'm up waiting. I should have gone to bed an hour ago, but instead I got online to "check my email" Knowing I would wait for "The Other" to come online. Knowing I would be sitting here out of things to do waiting around to just say,"Hey". What I'll mean by that, "Hey", is "I'm doing much better now and I think I can talk to you without wanting make you give snu snu till I crush your pelvis" or "I think that we can hold a conversation and I can control myself, because I have given myself time to relax, calm down, and general reevaluate why it is that I never give into those urges" so here he is and here I am and here we are talking, again. I really missed talking. I'm glad I can take the time to calm down and control myself, and I'm more happy that I can allow myself to be his friend and more importantly allow him to be mine once I'm ok with myself again.

While we're doing it.

I fantasize while we fuck. I imagine that I'm not alone with you. I imagine that while I am laying on my back and you are sitting up, pressed deeply inside me that there is a curvaceous woman standing with her fuck me heals on either side of my hips, holding her breasts, moaning in pleasure at the pressure you tongue creates on her clit.

I fantasize while we kiss. I imagine that my tongue is now creating pressure on her clit, that my tongue is rolling around inside her lower folds creating spasms of deeper muscles and her top teeth biting softly into her bottom lip to suppress the screams of enjoyment. But we aren't alone. You are there. You're hard phalis jamming roughly in and out of me creating the steady motion of my tongue's pleasure.

It's not safe. "The One" is so trusting, so understanding, so easy to forgive. . . He doesn't mind that I still talk with "The Other" He doesn't mind that I still invite "The Other" over. He doesn't mind that I still flirt and still feel this sexual tension. "The One" thinks that just because I've stopped things before, that because I've been able to say no so far that I'll always say no. I'm not sure if it's his way of hiding his fear or if he's really just so damn confident that I'll choose him in the end that he has no need to worry. But it's not safe.

What "The One" and I have together seems like it is completely perfect. I can't figure out where the flaw is that would make me also want "The Other". It doesn't make any sense to me. "The One" and I don't argue about money or how to raise the child or how to clean the house or really anything other than in good natured jest that makes us both giggle. We compliment each other all the time and 98% of the time it's even sincere. He is sweet, kind and caring. He helps to clean the house, raise the child, cook the meals. He is working on his career. He gives me sexual pleasure. He snuggles me on the couch or the bed and holds me when I don't feel well or I'm sad. If it weren't for my sick desires for "The Other" then everything would be perfect. Completely perfect. And because everything is so perfect it frustrates me that I want something else, Even while I want what I have.

It's not having what you want. It's wanting what you've got.

I'm rather consistently inconsistent. Sometimes my sexual appetite is raging and I can't get enough sometimes I'd rather knaw off my own leg then engage in sexual activity. I wonder why that is. More over I wonder why I am the same with just about everything in my life. I'm one of those people who always does the opposite of something they just say. If I claim I won't talk to "The other" I end up talking to him immediately after that. If I tell him we need to behave I immediately break the rules, but if I tell "The One" that I'm going to break rules then I really have no interest in breaking the rules and I behave all night long. Is it a forbidden fruit syndrome? Do I need to do things just to prove my own words wrong?

It's an interesting conundrum, and the reason I'm talking about it is because once again after telling "The Other" that we needed to behave I broke rules and I enjoyed it immensely and felt guilty and told "The Other" that I would be taking a break from talking to him for a while (I seem to need these breaks so I don't run off and screw him till he dies of snu snu. I can't really figure out what it is that has me so in lust with "The Other". I don't know what it is that keeps drawing me back, but something seems to.

"The One" and I had incredible sex twice today. The first was touched off after spending all night in prolonged heavy sexual tension with "The Other" I was so horny that when I crawled into bed this morning I nearly tore off "The One's" clothes and ravaged him in his sleep. The other was after "The One" came home from work. He was moody and grumpy and looked like he was about to cry. In my guilt ridden state of wanting to do "The Other" all day, I thought for sure that "The One" knew how I felt and that I was thinking about telling him I was going to run off and have wild passionate sex with "The Other" but that is just paranoia (and I actually have no intentions of running off with "The Other") so to make "The One" more cheerful I started playing with him, and obviously it led somewhere. Somewhere good. REALLY GOOD!

"The One" and I had a great conversation about him bringing home a hot blonde for us to play with. He's so cute when he's joking. I wonder if he knows I'm more than half serious when I say that it's ok for him to have another girl as long as she's hot, bisexual, and willing to play with me too?

Snuggling has got to be one of the best past times in existence. It outdoes watching movies. It outdoes hanging out or playing games or anything else. It's a fabulous way to spend time with someone you love and I did a lot of that today with "The One" I love.

I don't know what happened. I was doing so good. I was talking to him, "The Other" online and everything was going fine and I didn't need him and I didn't want him. But then I'm talking to him and BOOM it's over. I need him. I want him. I want to be near him I don't care what we are doing I just want to be near him. I don't care if we sit and talk, I don't care if we go out to dinner, I don't care if it's a make out session in a freezing truck as long as it's him. Why can't I stop myself from this? Why can't I force myself to see the bad and be turned off by it. Why do I always have these sneaky thoughts in my head of how we could spend time together? Why do I almost go through with them? AUUGH. It's frustrating. I should walk away right now. Stop talking to him while I feel this way. Walk away. . . Just walk away. . . I don't seem to be walking away. . . Damn, why am I not walking away?

I'm not feeling connected to lesbians at the moment. I think men and women and all that sexual shit is too complicated. Not that I want to give it up. . I just kinda want to tell it to fuck itself.

The most attractive thing in the world is when your husband is sitting on top of your child making the child squeal in gigglish delight, When both the love of your life and the lovechild of that relationship are giggling together in a blissful wild happiness. Nothing is better than that. Nothing. That's why I stay. That is why I am always here with "The One". He is the love of my life and he loves our lovechild more than I ever imagined anyone could love a child. I love him for that. I love the way they play. I love the way they giggle. I love the way they love being together. I love to sit and watch. I stay because I couldn't bare to think those moments happen all the time without me.

It's nice to feel attractive, wanted, pined after no matter what is going on in your life and how ugly you feel. I think that is why I keep "The Other" around. Why I hold fast to that string in his heart and never let him go. I like the attention. When it seems he is getting too far away I reel him in till he thinks he is going to get something, but when he gets too close I push him away. I'm in the pushing away stage right now. Although I still talk to him online at night, I have nothing to say and no real desire to say anything. I sometimes imagine myself telling him about what is going on in my life when things go on in my life, but when it comes to the actual conversation I find I like the version in my head better. Perhaps because I hold the reins of the conversation and he responds in the deepness of my fantasy way when I control him.

Speaking of fantasies. I've been thinking about that threesome again. You know the one with me eating out a chick while being boned from behind. . . Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a fantasy I never live out, but it sure is fun to think about during sex, or while lying around wanting sex.

"The One". . . He's a very intriguing enigma. We were discussing my not-so-lady-like behavior with "The Other" and how to go about preventing further infactions of the law and I couldn't hold it in anymore I had to tell "The One" that I want to sleep with "The Other" which at first didn't go over so well. I mean not a suprise, who would want to hear that there wife wants to sleep with a man who isn't as good a catch as they are? But anyways we kept talking and eventually somewhere in the middle of talking about how I would go about arranging for a proper situation in which to deflower "The Other" I ended up having wild steamy sex with "The One"

"The Other" . . . Well, he's got me. I want to sleep with him. Everytime I'm near him I want to haul him off into the bushes and do things much worse than hold his hand. I know a large part of it is his smell, it's especially difficult when I hug him and my face is up against his chest or in his hair. I melt into like a hundred little gooey pieces that would give in to his every sensual whim. Somethings holding me back. . . Part of it is "The One". "The One" is a great man and I don't want to give up what I have. But I'm sure there is something else holding me back too. But I haven't figure it out yet. I had a dream the other night in which I told "The Other" that I would have done him a thousand times by now, but that he was here too early. Too early? What the hell does too early mean? And if he's too early does that mean there is a time when he is supposed to be here? WTF? Why does it bother me so?

I'm thinking that whole lesbian lifestyle is sounding better all the time.

I'm a fucking asshole. A complete fucking moron. I've really gone too far this time. I don't know what possesses me. Why do I have to flip flop all the time. When I'm with "The One" I swear I'll never touch "The Other" again. I swear its over and that I'll devote myself to the man that adores me enough to put up with all my shit and claim he still loves me. But all my cohesion, all my planning. . . It just falls apart when I'm with "The Other". I have no self control. I have no willpower of my own. I'm a grade A fucking moron and I've crushed the very essence of "The One". I feel bad that he feels pain. I want to make it all better. I want to be that good and faithful wife, but I honestly can't bring myself to feel bad about "The Other" touching me. I want to. I want to feel ashamed for the way he caresses my skin, but the only thing I feel bad about is how it hurts "The One".

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I'm not sure I can do any of it. I need to get away. I need to run.