I feel so hurt and rejected. Why? Because he's tired and wants to sleep? Because he thinks I should sleep? Because he won't drop everything to make my life exactly the way I want it right now? Or is it just that I had expectations in my head and neither "The One" or "The Other" would go for it? I had this little plan in my head of how things would be how I would get to eat my cake and have it too tonight, instead I neither get cake, nor get to eat it and I've found I feel rejected and pissy about the whole thing, even tho I don't see any logical reason to feel either of those things.

Touch me lightly
laugh for me
tell me of life
tell me of love
giggle

I wish you would.
I wish you could.

wink as you snigger
lust for me
tell me of truth
tell me of love
touch

I wish you would.
I wish you could.

come stand beside me
smile for me
tell me of life
tell me of lust
want

I wish you would.
I wish you could.

come take my hand
lead me to bed
show me of life
show me of love
desire

I wish you would. . .

Ever had those moments when everything is going perfect? Yeah, that is how everything is going right now. "The One" and I are having a smashing good time hanging out with each other and snuggling. I received "something more comfortable" from eBay yesterday and "The One" and I had a great time with it last night. Yeah, that was a good time.

I've had quite a lot of time with "The Other" too. We've been playing a card/miniatures strategy game together, hanging out, and today we had lunch together. It's in a really pleasant spot at the moment where if the tension develops I can just lean over and kiss him, and I don't have to worry about lost opportunities if I don't make the most (in a sexual sense) of each moment we are alone. Speaking in a sexual sense I feel slightly insecure, inadequate, or some other word I can't quite place, when things get down and dirty with "The Other" and last night while I was talking this feeling over with "The One" I came to the idea that it's probably just a lack of knowing him well enough in a sexual sense to be really comfortable. . . Not that things are uncomfortable, it's just that the sexual part of our relationship is so new that we don't instinctively know what pleases each other, or can't say things like. . . Yeah that's really not it.

I've been having conversations lately about what it is that I'm looking for in "The Woman". I have so many ideas of what I want. I have this ideal in my head that I'm not sure if I'll ever find the right woman to fulfill. Every time I talk about what it is in particular I want, it makes me long for her. I know she's out there. She just needs to find me. . . Or one of my men.

I would be crushed. . .
if you kept secrets from me
if you had relationships I didn't know about
if you disappeared for long periods of time without calling
if you risked my health or happiness by having unprotected sex
if you don't allow me to sexually fulfill you
if you don't tell me when you hurt
if you don't tell me when you're happy
if you don't tell me how you really feel

Basically it all comes down to communication. As long as we can talk about everything, as long as I still feel in the loop it's likely there is a way to have everything you want.

It all stems from fear, my fear is that without communication the relationship will break down. I'll misinterpret actions and get hurt when no hurt is intended and I fear that once I am hurt things will go in a downward spiral till I lose you.

I long for female companionship. I long to wrap my arms around her and tell her it's ok. I long to hold her in silence. I long to let the feelings wash over us and to know they are similar in nature.

She is kind
She communicates
She is vague and pretty and although she tells me truths she does not tell me everything.
I want to know her truths I want to know her love. I want to tell her how I feel, but not yet.
maybe never.
I'm developing lust.

To talk it over with her, that would be the goal.
To say "hello" and mean "I can't get enough of you"
To say "goodbye" and mean "please don't leave"
To talk for hours inbetween and to say everything and nothing and be thrilled for the chance.
How can life be this way?
How can an emotion hit so intense for someone I barely know?
I want to know her.

Sunday's crushing defeat of the football team "The One" was supporting lead to a shave on Monday and some about-friken-time sex last night. It was the perfect ending to a good day. We slept in real late and cleaned house and watched movies and had a fire in the fireplace. Yeah it was a good day. I ever so enjoy hanging out with "The One" I'd love to spend my whole life just playing with him. Too bad that whole money and work thing is required. Maybe someday in the not too distant future we'll find ourselves doing what we love as a job and we'll do it together.

"The Other" and I are making weekend plans, which really just means we are talking somewhat dirty online. I've told him rather blunt like that I think he's really in all this jsut for the chase and that I don't think he's intersted in actual sex:D He, of course, denies this, but I think there is much more to his forbidden fruit thing than he realizes. I don't think he really has any idea what he does to me, or how frustrating it is to know that I don't do the same to him. I haven't the foggiest where his HOT buttons are. I haven't exactly fostered an attitude of learning it either. Which would be why I don't know.

I'm holding out on "The One". He's sporting the nastiest, scraggly beard like fluff as a protest against civilization, I mean as support for a football team. . . A football team that we have NO REASON AT ALL to support. So I simply told to him shave or he wouldn't get laid. I don't know why I think of stupid things like this. We all know this is more punishment for me than it is for him. And don't get me wrong I'm not against beards. I actually like beards. Most of the men in my family have beards. It's just that "The One" can not grow anything good looking on his face. It just looks terrible on him. I know he hates shaving and looks for any excuse to go weeks without having to scrape that gunk off his face, but that stuff is nasty.

Aside from the whole no-shave no-sex thing things are going pretty well between "The One" and I. We've gotten to spend more time together than usual because of business stuff and I always enjoy "The One's" company better if there is time for it instead of the rushed only a min to talk during the day kind of thing. Actually I haven't seen him for more than a couple minutes since he left for work yesterday, but I'm really looking forward to spending the evening with him tonight.

Yesterday I spent most of my day/night/early morning with "The Other". We went out to lunch, talked with some friends, hung out in the place where we met and became friends, went out to a bar, sat in a hot tub for hours, and had some. . .Um . . . Special bonding time. (yeah you know what I'm talking about) It was a rather interesting experience, not what I had expected, but then those things rarely are. I'd love to give a rundown on all the details, but as I've mentioned before this site is read, by actual people. . . And well I'm not sure I want to talk about those kinds of things at actual people. So anyway I got home at 6am with my hair still wet from the hot tub. And to the owner of that hot tub, I apologize profusely if you find the condom we lost somewhere in the tub. I'll never ever tell you it's mine or what it was used for, but I'm sorry if you find it anyway.

No lesbian thoughts today. . .Well no that's not true there are thoughts, but nothing is going on and no one really cares at this point. Adding one sexual relationship is enough for now. I'm sure I'll know "The woman" when I meet her. She'll be all that I won't be able to avoid starting something.

Content.
I am very content at the moment. Except the fact that I feel like I'm spelling the word wrong. But otherwise things are at a blissfully happy state. I have an adoring husband, I have an occasional snuggle session with "the other" and I ever so vaguely have my eye out for "the woman" I live a dream life. It's nice. I'll be heading to sleep now.

Dip me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians.

I wrote this big long post today, and I thought I saved it as a draft, but apparently I didn't. Which was ok because it said things I wasn't sure I wanted to say out loud. Or rather it said things I wanted to say but just not in the proper context of how I wanted to say them.

The gist of this now missing post was that I wanted to do "The Other" today but I didn't. Not because of rules forbidding that kind of stuff in the house, but because I don't want to have to hide and sneak and lie. I want it to be right and ok and have time to explore when/if things come to that.

"The One" has been stepping up to the bat a lot lately. I think when I told him that I need him to snuggle me and watch movies with me and talk with me more that he took me seriously. I really enjoy it. I really enjoy him when we have the chance to be together and talk and share our interests.

I almost bought the most awesome lesbian shirt today that said, "If you lick it they will come" Aside from coming to grips with the idea that I am bi-sexual and allowing myself to see that as ok, nothing has happened in the finding "The Woman" department. I can't say as this is a huge surprise, being that I'm not looking too hard. Occasionally the idea of having a woman fondle me, holding breasts between my fingers or sliding my hands over the curves of her hips seems almost overwhelming, but I'm willing to wait. I'd rather have it right.

"The One" is the best father. He got up at night, got up this morning, fed and snuggled my little lovechild all day today. Not only was he super spectacular Dad, but he took care of me too.

"The Other" bailed on talking with me last night, and hasn't shown up tonight either. He said something about computer issues. I was rather looking forward to talking with him last night or tonight. Tomorrow night after he is done with work we were supposed to go to a party together, one where there is a good possibility of being alone. The problem is that I may not be up to attending said party. Being that I'm not entirely up to par but not feeling altogether great I have been pondering all day the idea of inviting "The Other" over tonight to watch a movie and snuggle. . . There is nothing like snuggling when you don't feel the best. It's probably all for the best that "The Other" did not show up online tonight.

nothing about women tonight.

OMG, I am SO excited. I really really wish I could tell you why and all the details, but I can't cuz this blog is read by people. But it's good. It's REALLY REALLY good and should be fabulously exciting (and a lot of work) for months!!!

"The One" and I unexpectedly found ourselves out the other night with a babysitter and nothing to do. So we went on a date. It was pretty fun. Ok it just consisted of sitting at a restaurant talking and taking the long way home, but it was pretty fun. I miss when our schedules used to coincide so that we had lunch dates at least once a week, sometimes twice. It was nice that sometimes we'd talk and talk and talk and other times the entire date would be mostly silent and either way it was just fine. It was comfortable.

On this date with "The One" we talked a lot about what I want sexually and how to make everything work out so I can have my cake and eat it too. I was permitted one date with "The Other" to see how it all feels and works. So immediately after we got home I got on and invited "The Other" out on Wednesday. . . Yeah as in today, but yesterday I got a phone call and was invited for a fun girls day out on Wednesday instead. So I bailed on "The Other" and this may seem very weird seeing as how I've been talking some what dirty with "The Other" as of late and plotting all sorts of things I could do to him. But it's not that weird when you consider that now that I have permission to do something I don't have to rush. I know if I bail that the opportunity will still be there tomorrow.

I also noticed that my late night chats have been much shorter. I think this is because I don't have to savor each word like I might not get a chance to chat again. I'm sure it's partially the forbidden fruit syndrome. Forbidden fruit just tastes better, although I can't say I'd rather have all "fruit" forbidden.

I told someone today that I am bisexual, someone I know. It caught them only mildly off guard.

What I want!

Talking to "The One" in person about what I want and who I want to be sexually is very difficult. It ends up with both of us feeling hurt and neither of us finishing what it was we meant to say. So I'm going to do it here instead, where I can think it through and not falter when I see that "Oh god, here she goes again" look in his eyes. I also think it would be very helpful to clarify what I want for myself. So this is what I want. In an ideal situation, any of the ideas and wants may change based on knowledge of how others feel and consequences of having said wants.

My Ideal Love Life:
Continue my loving relationship with "The One"- this is the foremost on my list of priorities. Nothing else on my list of wants is valid without this one. In fact I don't want to just continue this relationship, I want it to grow and flourish and have fun exciting sexual adventures and those moments of quiet peacefulness when you remember in exquisite detail why you are so in love.

Delve into a sexual relationship with "The Other"- I know this is the one that "The One" has the hardest problem with. I'm not sure if it is because this one is real and tangible or if it's that there was some deceit earlier on in the forming of this relationship or if it's fear that he will lose me to "The Other" or if it's merely a threat to his masculinity. I don't know why exactly that he fears this want of mine, only that he does. I want to respect "The One's" feelings on this matter, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if there is a way at this point to just walk away. But I can at least keep things from progressing any farther, for a while.

Find "The Woman"- What I mean by "The Woman" is to find just the right woman who falls in love with both "The One" and "The Other" but is bi-sexual and is in love with me also. This could be a bit tricky because this would involve everyone being sexually interested in each other and not just that but falling in love. Which is really a complex and time consuming event.

Relationship Dynamics- ok so now that there is "The One", "The Other", "The Woman" and myself, the way I would like it to work would be to have "The One" and I live happily in our almost normal life and have "The Woman" come over and play with us and be our great friend and sometimes lover (maybe eventually getting to the stage of having her live with us, maybe) and then I'd like to have "The Other" on the side. "The Other" would be a lot like "The Woman" only that he and "The One" probably wouldn't be involved as anything other than platonic friends, as from what I gather neither is interested, and truthfully I'd be WAY jealous if they hooked up. They have more in common then either has in common with me, and I'd be afraid somewhere along the line I'd end up being majorly left out of their non-sexual activities. So "The Other" would be on the side, But I'd share him with "The Woman" if she was interested.

So pretty much that is what I want long term in my sexual life. Maybe I'll find out that I'm not bisexual when I start delving into things. Maybe I'll find out that I actually just play for the other team, in which case everything would change, but I don't see that as likely because I'm a big fan of the penis and it's role in sex. (It's incredibly liberating to refer to myself as bisexual instead of just sexually deviant)

In more short term goals. I'd like to start developing my sexual relationship with "The Other" and start in the friendship phase with someone who has the potential to be "The Woman" but those short term goals mean nothing without the approval, support, and loving relationship with "The One".

so um. . . That's what I'd like. What would you like?