Time should have been able to stand still for just that moment.

One brief moment the other day was entirely perfect. It was everything I could have ever wanted. It wasn't even sexual, it was just one brief moment of my life where everything and nothing was said, where every cell vibrated in perfect harmony, where every piece fit together perfectly. If I could hold that particular moment in a small jar on a chain around my neck, nothing would ever be wrong again.

Fuck it

I want to be Romanced.

I want to be pursued, I want to be seduced, I want to be wanted. I want rose petals leading from the door to the bed. I want candles waiting by a home cooked meal. I want surprise getaways, flowers and champange. I want strawberrries dipped in chocolate by the bed. I want to know I'm so incredibly wanted that hours, oh so many hours could be blissfully spent thinking of ways to win my heart over and over and over again.

I want it so bad that I use things I would LOVE to have done to me to win over my men. Don't get me wrong I certainly enjoy the planning and wining them over, and I love the way "The One" loves to be loved like that. I romance "The One" so that I can live vicariously through what he receives. And because somewhere deep inside I hope that by doing so I will spark him to want to do something as great or better for me.

In fact it is so ingrained in me to live through him and think he will do the same for me that I tell people that for our anniversary we try to outdo each other with the romantic event. . . But oddly every year is my year to plan something. The really sad thing is that I've told myself that it was a two way street so long that I half believe some of the things I've done for him, he's done for me.

I guess being romanced is more of a need than I thought it was.

In all honesty "The One" does little things each day to win me over. He is always doing kind little things that make me feel loved and incredibly lucky to be married to such a man. . . Doesn't seem to stop my desires for larger than life romance occasionally.

Today, Pleasant little plans to stop by "The Other's" house this morning and crawl into his bed to wake him up ever so nicely passed through my head. It could have worked so nicely. I took the lovechild to school, I dropped "The One" off at work, I did my blooddraws and it was only 10ish. I had time, inclination, and the car.

I went to the house of one of my very pregnant friends this morning. She is adoribly pregnant and I brought her an adorable little gender neutral sleeper with a turtle on it and little booties to match. We sat on her couch and talked for probably an hour and a half to two hours. I am certain we would have kept talking all afternoon if she hadn't had an appointment to go to. I miss being able to see my friends when I spend a month or more ill with whatever virus is going around. Winters are hard that way.

"The One" feels like I am holding a stone wall up communication wise about something at the moment. I have been a bit moody lately, but I didn't think I was leaving him out, just trying to be nice by not tearing his throat out or anything. When I ponder it for a moment there are probably a lot of things I'm not saying, but it's not that I'm not saying them to him it's just a lot of minor things adding up. Things like my blood tests being off kilter enough that I'm not comfortable with them, not knowing what is causing this bad result, feeling overwhelmed with things I can't possibly accomplish on my own and feeling I'm not being helped with in the slightest, and that any work I do on the overwhelming things is unappreciated and sometimes downright laughed at. I also am feeling slightly overwhelmed by things I've brought upon myself, like the plans for Anniversary 2005 which are three quarters done with little to no ambition to finish it. I also feel horribly inadequate in a lot of the areas business wise. Perhaps there is a certain amount of Seasonal affect disorder happening to.

I learned how to play a star wars card game today. Not so difficult, but not so fun either. My lovechild started a character on City of Hero's. It's amazing how fast children can learn.

There was this boy at work today, who was in obvious need of a friend, just someone to sit and listen to him. So I did. I just sat there and let him rant at me about anything he could think of, and I let him be excited that someone was willing to just listen to him and think he was important. It's amazing how many people show up at my place of business with this particular need. It's amazing what listening will do for them. Like most of the people in our customer base he was socially inept. He reminded me so much of the way I was at that age, completely an outcast wanting to belong to even a group of geeks but sounding like a complete idiot and being insulted every time I opened my mouth. Oh, wait. . . I'm still that way.

I took the last of the pills that mess with my brain so badly this morning. I actually pitched the bottle across my car, thrilled that I wouldn't have to take the dizziness inducing chemicals of confusion anymore.

The other day as I was driving around with "The One" we noticed in a rather obscure location a lingerie shop. Our little town has been lacking one of these for as long as I can remember and I was thrilled at the idea of having sex toys available locally. During some spare time today I was going to stop in and support the local sex shop, you know let them know how happy I was that someone finally put one in our fair city, but when I pulled into the obscure parking lot in the obscure location there was a sign on the door facing the ally (did I mention the place was pretty obscure?) that stated the sex shop was no longer in business, after a moments silence for the loss of something I never really had, I realized that with the location it was rather obvious why the shop didn't last long. Oh well, it was an exciting thought.

So "The Other" has seemed rather non-interested in contact. Can't say as I blame what with being busy and wanting to sleep and all when he isn't too busy for said activity. I've been a bit overzealous in inviting him to do things when common sense tells me that he doesn't have the time or the inclination. I think perhaps he has seen too much of me lately and I need to lay off some, you know let him live his life and all.

For how early in the evening it is it's remarkable how tired I am. I think I'll call it an early night and catch up on some sleep myself.

Time
I can stare at the word until it no longer looks like a word, till it's letters look ill placed and ill fitting. But it doesn't give me any more of it.

Time
I can sit here for hours dreaming of different ways to fill it or pass it. But it doesn't give me more of it.

Time
I can listing to each tick as it passes, slowing it down to an almost dreadful standstill. But it doesn't give me more of it.

Time

100 times I've wanted to hold you.
100 times I've wanted to tell you.
100 times I've wanted to grasp you.
100 times I've wanted to know you.
100 times I've wanted to.
100 hundred times.
But I've never had the chance.

Don't mind that last post. . . Just PMS, Hormones are stabling out now.

I had a nice chat with "The One" this morning about the passion of Ayn Rand and was assured quit profusely that he is not staying with me because of financial or social reasons, and he isn't in pain by my sexual deviance. This clarification helped a lot. (girls are such weird creatures needing reassurance of small things) Anyway I had a pretty nice day with him, not nearly as much snuggling as I would have enjoyed, but then again we were in public and there was at least as much as I expected. I have been overly needy in the snuggles department lately, I would blame this on a festering illness that won't seem to go away. I'm always more physically needy (not actual sex needy, but snuggle needy) when I'm not feeling up to par.

As I reread the post from last night, I realized that I wasn't so upset that I wasn't offered sex, what I was upset about was that the snuggling had to end. I was more than happy to just lay there with his arm wrapped around me. I also had the strongest urges to both pull him as close to me as I could and to push him away and not let him touch me at all, which is an odd dichotomy of emotions. I found on more than one occasion that I had a hand behind his neck, pulling him in for a kiss while I had my other hand flat on his chest to push him away. The only thing I can do is to blame that on hormones. @#^$ hormones.

I miss talking to "The Other" online. I really miss the inane little comments about work and life and occasionally the deep foray into philosophy, but it's mostly the inane little things I miss. Like telling him about the kid at work who. . . Fill in the blank with whatever pointless drivel comes to mind. Or telling him about how my prescription for the smoldering illness that won't go away messed with my head so badly today that I stopped at least three times while counting money completely forgetting who had given it to me and what they were purchasing. Do you know how flaky you sound when you stop someone two seconds after telling them what they owe you to ask them what they are buying?

Can you tell when this blog began to be read by "The One" and "The Other"? I'll give you a hint, It's when I changed from writing about them to writing about me. It's when I began to leave out things that I thought might hurt them, It's when I put everything into the perspective of "I feel, or I want or I need" because any of those things is taken better by someone it affects than a "You stupid moron you have to" I didn't make the desicion to change my writing style consciously, It just happened when I knew it was being read. I write better into the void, because I fear no repercussions, but because I'm full of myself I want to share and be praised for my good writing and that would be why I can never keep a blog secret for very long, but It isn't honest or good writing when I'm writing it for other people.

Still thinking about the adding another person, one of the female variety. Don't know how much it would complicate things, but it sure would be nice to be snuggled, and to have one more option when the guys are busy.

I don't even know where to start, but that I can't believe my life could be this great thing has run into a snafu. I'm not even sure what the problem is, It has to be something inside me, because both the men are great, both seem happy, both seem to be getting along great with this unless I'm not hearing the communication. Tonight I felt abandoned, not once, but twice. I wanted only to be held, but was disappointed when that was all I was offered. "The One" and I have had no time lately. No time to talk, no time to love, no time together. I can't offer him sex because there isn't time, I can't offer him sex because I have issues, personal physical and mental issues. I'm a mess. I feel like neither of them want me, I feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal because I'm getting less of what I need. They both feel free to walk away because there is someone else who can take care of it if they are too busy, but neither of them are. And I can't demand of either of them "The One" because he needs his time with his friends and there is someone else who can hold me, and "The Other" because his excuses are just as logical, just as reasonable and leaving me just as alone. In fact it is leaving me even more alone than I was before, now he is secure that I will be here wanting. He is secure that if he misses one night or two or all of them because there are better opportunities to game or hang out that I will still be here. I will still hang out with him at the store, I will stay late and game at least one night a week, I will be here to watch a movie with, but it's not like it used to be when we watched movies, not with his ever desire to touch me and hold me and see how far he can get. . . It's just watching a movie now. What I miss the most is talking online. I feel as if I've actually lost, because I have lost the person I talk with. Yes, I have gained a good lover, but I've lost the person I talk with each night, I lost the person who was always there online thinking I was the highlight of his day, thinking that a conversation with me even if it was filled with mild pleasantries was better than anything else he could imagine. I used to sit online for hours wasting time till he came on, just so I could tell him small inane things about my day. I don't have anyone to tell those to now, noone who would just sit and listen.

I watched the passion of Ayn Rand tonight. It bothered me greatly. It was a pretty entertaining film and it was a fabulous watch after reading several of her books. What disturbed me so much was that we rented it because "The One" compared me/my relationships with those of Ayn Rand. He said I would connect greatly with her, and maybe I did in my weird way, because what I felt was horror at watching how that women treated her men, ignoring the obvious pain in her husband, ignoring the fact that he turned to alcohol to numb the torture she caused him. I felt absolute terror at the idea that "The One" probably feels that way, and like Ayn's husband he will quietly agree and suffer in silence because he feels trapped, feels like there is no other choice for him. Perhaps he feels he is finacially and socially trapped into our relationship, into the way we have things. It's rather conceivable of a notion that I although I see his hesitation, completely neglected the pain it caused him and may continue to cause him. I can't bare that thought. I intend to discuss this with "The One" I hope that instead of giving me an answer to make up my own mind about things that he will tell me in all honesty how he feels.

Would adding another female make my issues of not getting enough better or worse? Would a third make it that much easier to be denied because if one isn't in the mood, not big deal there is bound to be someone else ready?

Well it's official, I'm getting laid less now than I was before I had two men to sleep with.