I don't even know where to start, but that I can't believe my life could be this great thing has run into a snafu. I'm not even sure what the problem is, It has to be something inside me, because both the men are great, both seem happy, both seem to be getting along great with this unless I'm not hearing the communication. Tonight I felt abandoned, not once, but twice. I wanted only to be held, but was disappointed when that was all I was offered. "The One" and I have had no time lately. No time to talk, no time to love, no time together. I can't offer him sex because there isn't time, I can't offer him sex because I have issues, personal physical and mental issues. I'm a mess. I feel like neither of them want me, I feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal because I'm getting less of what I need. They both feel free to walk away because there is someone else who can take care of it if they are too busy, but neither of them are. And I can't demand of either of them "The One" because he needs his time with his friends and there is someone else who can hold me, and "The Other" because his excuses are just as logical, just as reasonable and leaving me just as alone. In fact it is leaving me even more alone than I was before, now he is secure that I will be here wanting. He is secure that if he misses one night or two or all of them because there are better opportunities to game or hang out that I will still be here. I will still hang out with him at the store, I will stay late and game at least one night a week, I will be here to watch a movie with, but it's not like it used to be when we watched movies, not with his ever desire to touch me and hold me and see how far he can get. . . It's just watching a movie now. What I miss the most is talking online. I feel as if I've actually lost, because I have lost the person I talk with. Yes, I have gained a good lover, but I've lost the person I talk with each night, I lost the person who was always there online thinking I was the highlight of his day, thinking that a conversation with me even if it was filled with mild pleasantries was better than anything else he could imagine. I used to sit online for hours wasting time till he came on, just so I could tell him small inane things about my day. I don't have anyone to tell those to now, noone who would just sit and listen.

I watched the passion of Ayn Rand tonight. It bothered me greatly. It was a pretty entertaining film and it was a fabulous watch after reading several of her books. What disturbed me so much was that we rented it because "The One" compared me/my relationships with those of Ayn Rand. He said I would connect greatly with her, and maybe I did in my weird way, because what I felt was horror at watching how that women treated her men, ignoring the obvious pain in her husband, ignoring the fact that he turned to alcohol to numb the torture she caused him. I felt absolute terror at the idea that "The One" probably feels that way, and like Ayn's husband he will quietly agree and suffer in silence because he feels trapped, feels like there is no other choice for him. Perhaps he feels he is finacially and socially trapped into our relationship, into the way we have things. It's rather conceivable of a notion that I although I see his hesitation, completely neglected the pain it caused him and may continue to cause him. I can't bare that thought. I intend to discuss this with "The One" I hope that instead of giving me an answer to make up my own mind about things that he will tell me in all honesty how he feels.

Would adding another female make my issues of not getting enough better or worse? Would a third make it that much easier to be denied because if one isn't in the mood, not big deal there is bound to be someone else ready?