Du hast mich

Well, it's official, "The One" hates me. It hurts so much when he looks at me like I'm one of the cats caught shitting in the bathroom because it's too cold to go outside. I think what hurts most about it is that I deserve it. Sure it makes me feel so small that I could sit on the edge of a dime and my feet wouldn't touch the ground, sure it makes me feel so gross even a dog wouldn't roll in my scent, Sure it makes me feel more slimy than the underlayer of pond scum, but I deserve it. My intentions are never to hurt him or cause him reason to hate me, but somehow I always do. Usually my intentions are to open up honest communication and say something I've been wanting or meaning to say. I generally start off with some innocent conversation and when I think things are going well and we're communicating well I say something stupid, but honest. Tonight I told "The One" that "The Other" and I were kissing again. And "The One" changed, all communication stopped. He just looked at me. I waited for the open flow of communication to start, but he just said he had thought it was over and then he went to bed.

"The One" deserves better than this. He deserves someone who loves him with all her heart, so much so that she can't even see other men, like they just don't exist. He deserves a woman that sticks with her decisions. He deserves a woman who can be totally and completely honest with him about everything and have it only bring him joy instead of sorrow. He deserves a woman who could give him more children. He deserves a woman who has the energy to spend time with the children doing all sorts of wonderful stuff, and cleaning and someone who enjoys cooking, or at the very least does it anyway. He deserves better. He deserves better than me.

And now that I've hurt "The One" I might as well hurt "The Other". There we were standing closer than we should tonight. Saying things we shouldn't, touching places we shouldn't. And as I enjoyed each sensation of it all I could think about was my fear. What if I were to be his, completely and totally his? Would it be the same a few years down the line? Would I be stupid and mess things up? Would I doubt the way I feel? Would he look at me with that same pained look that hurts so much? Would it be all the same problems? "The One" and "The Other" are enough alike that I can see there being some similar relational issues down the line. And it makes me worry.