"It's my website and I'll write whatever the fuck I want!"

Yup, that was all it took to completely end communications with "The One" tonight. I've had a particularily long and hard few days, I would reckon my stress level is somewhere between cold war and nuclear missile attack. I haven't had much time for sleep, and the quality has been worse than the quantity. And although those are no excuses for being rude and answering the way I did, I think it helps to vaguely define the situation. I hadn't in anyway intended to rant and rave on my very public website about the current issues (which I was ranting at him about at that time). So I guess I was a little offended when he implied not only that I would, but that I had no right to. I'm sure his stress levels are about even with mine, so his response was to get up and leave without saying anything. I have to admit I adore that "The One" and I almost never fight, and I adore that we don't argue over petty things. But once in a while it would really help to just be able to yell at someone over nothing to get out all the frustration. I know it would be detrimental to the relationship (and therefore I'm glad he doesn't rise to my challenges when I'm really miffed) but once in a while. . .
Maybe I should go start a pillow fight with him.

When I arrived home tonight, I got on the computer with the intentions of writing a post entitled "Nice Guys Finish Last" (obviously I didn't because of conversations about other posts in other locations) but the post I was intending was going to explain WHY nice guys finish last, and why they will continue to finish last. This intended post was inspired beautifully by "The Other" who is in his very essence a "NICE GUY". He is your classic nice guy. Which means that in all the years I have known him, he has always been(including but not limited to) kind, helpful, considerate, generous, polite, reserved, funny, intelligent, and great company. This is one of the reasons I feared to date him. Noone can be that good, everyone has bad things in thier personality, everyone. And with the nice guy all you see is the good, until you get to know them really well and get to see your disillusions dispelled. And long before you enter a relationship with a "nice guy" you know those disillusions will be dispelled. You know that other stuff has to be there. But knowing and seeing are two completely different things. It's actually painfully to see things in him that I don't like, to witness behavior or cruelty I didn't think he was possible of. It actually hurts to see that nice guy image slip away, even though I knew it would.

I can imagine it's a two way street as the honeymoon phase is wearing off. He's probably beginning to question things about me he never knew before and is finding he's not that fond of, he's probably questioning his sanity at the years he spent longing for me only to find out in reality I'm not at all like the fantasies he held onto.

Women have been on my mind as of late. I can't necessarily say I'm fantasizing more about women, but more doing a romantisised rationalization of becoming a lesbian. It's very reasonable and very likely that all women are going to become lesbians. The only problem I have in my rationalizations is that I always have to include a guy somewhere because there is no replacement for a live penis. Don't get me wrong I'm certain that a dildo is a wonderful toy and that being eaten out by a hot woman with a chin dick would get me off multiple times, but it's not the same. It's still not the same type of orgasm that a real live man with his dick inside you can give.