Research in Seattle

Each day is still edging near unbearable without "The Other" but I've had at least one day where I felt like the bleeding of my soul might not actually kill me. The emotional pain is so intense it sits on my chest like a lead weight becoming physically painful if I dwell on missing him.

To help get through each day I've been telling myself a sweet little lie that the last year and a half, since the last time we broke up, has all been a set up for him to fake his own death. "The Other" used to talk at length about his plans for world domination. I used to sit and listen gleefully enjoying how incredibly detailed he was. However world domination is not an easy task to accomplish and his in particular would require a significant amount of rather secret research.

So I'm telling myself that his Friday the thirteenth death on a toilet seat was all an elaborate hoax on his part to rid himself of family, friends, job, and any other responsibilities or expectations so that he could concentrate full time on making his fondest dreams come true. I imagine right now he's in Seattle at a research lab avidly programing and testing the nano's that will fulfill an eternity of hopes.

If I ever have a miraculous recovery, I'm going looking for him. I fantasize that someday I'll be out at his gave talking to him like I've been tending to do and he'll say hello. Or he'll contact me online without me even knowing who he is. I'm pretty sure I'd recognise him after a while. Or maybe not, but I'm certain I couldn't help but fall in love with him all over again. When he tells me the million years and however extra has now started, that's when I'll really know it's him.

It's a sweet little fantasy that helps my days seem vaguely more hopeful. I miss him so much. Not even the imagined conversations with him help.