Everyday without you

Each day gets harder instead of easier without "The Other". Each day seems more unbearable. Every moment more painful than the last. Friday night I hurt so bad I couldn't take it. I took two pain killers and washed them down with vodka, then I went out drinking with a friend. I wanted to kill each and every ounce of pain. I wanted to be awash in alcohol so intense there was nothing else.

I accomplished my goal of getting so drunk I couldn't stand up by the time they got me home, but it didn't take away the pain. Nothing takes away the pain. Nothing takes away the not talking to him, the not feeling him. The desperate longing, nothing takes away all the memories that are so tender and sweet that it hurts more than remembering the arguments. Nothing assuages my guilt for not being there enough. Nothing helps the pain, mind altering substances barely even dull it momentarily.

I know life needs to go on. There is stuff to accomplish, work to be done, live people to have relationships with. But I don't want it to go on. I don't want know how to keep going. I don't want any of it without him. Everyday it hurts more. Everyday is harder than the last.