I told "The One" about what prompted me to cut off communication with "The Other" this time, and we had three different discussions about it and other things. They were conversations that we probably really needed. I tend to learn about myself when "The One" asks me questions I had never thought to ask myself. Last night we really got to the meat of what needed to be talked about and although no real future plans were made, at least we both seem to be ok with each other at the moment. Or rather "The One" is ok with me, while I am madly in love with him, and as sick as it sounds I kind of like the tension.

We spent all day with "The One's" family today. I had a marvelous time although it did last longer than I had energy for. I love the way his family interacts. I love the traditional candle ceremony. I love his grandpa, he's such a cute charming old man. "The One" and I sat near each other and appreciated each other's company and significant glances (at least I did). I felt just horrible when everything was going great and then "The One" would get this look on his face like any moment he would turn to me and tell me that I wasn't worthy of his family, wasn't worthy of him. And it almost crushed me to know he could have done it and there would have been nothing I could do to refute it. He never did, although I wouldn't be surprised if he thought it once or twice. And really the whole day went rather well. I didn't even get too overly sore from the car trip.

I broke down and talked to "the other" on the day before Christmas. It wasn't like I just left him a one line message, it was like a many houred IM conversation. It was nice to talk to him, to hear how everything was going for him, and find out what his plans were for holidays (poor bastard has to work). Yesterday evening I messaged him too, but I found that after the previous nights conversation and about ten to twenty minutes there was nothing more to say. I had taken the forbidden out of the fruit by allowing myself to talk to him and I found the fruit was rather bland after the first three bites. So I said goodbye and got on with talking to "The One".

I so want to be the good housewife, mother, and spouse for "The One". I would love to be able to be a stepford wife, but somehow I always mess things up and look more like an uncoordinated slob, with sexually deviant tendencies. Perhaps it is that I feel there is a clock ticking away the seconds till my death and I don't want to miss the experiences of life. Perhaps it is that I am actually homosexual and just never had the time to consider it before I got married( I got married real young, was a virgin till 3 months prior to my wedding, had never masturbated, and had never even had an orgasm). Perhaps it is that I'm a VERY KINKY GIRL and have more sexual energy than I can handle. Whatever it is I need to figure it out, deal with it, and then move on with life. I think knowing what it is that makes all of these desires always present in the back of my mind would help me to know best what to do with them.

Aside from the ever present kinky thoughts about hot lesbians, nothing has happened with the communication stuff, but then it is the holidays and hot lesbians everywhere are probably with their family's trying to act as normal as possible and hoping that no one can read their minds or figure out who they really are inside.