WTF is wrong with me, what am I still doing here. I'm putzing around online thinking to myself, "it's only an hour more till "The Other" gets online". Why oh why am I waiting around when I'm not even going to talk to him? I actually thought this with an hour and a half to go, but I managed to find things to do such as write a post for a website that isn't even up and running at the moment. Yeah that needed to be done tonight, couldn't wait till tomorrow, not when it's just going to sit around in word till at least then anyways, nope had to do it tonight, right now, because it puts me that much closer to seeing him sign in when I'm not even going to talk to him.
Is it just old habits? Does it give me some sort of comfort to know he's still signing in? I shouldn't care. I don't need to be awake to see that. I should have been asleep almost three hours ago. Heck I was asleep three hours ago. I just didn't stay that way because of a phone call from "The One" which was well worth getting up for, but I should have gone right to sleep afterwards. I'm not going to be here just waiting, what kind of sick life would that be. Waiting around to make sure he still has the same schedule even when it's not any of my fucking business. And if by chance he doesn't sign in cuz let's say he gets a social life or a girlfriend or something, am I still going to wait to see him sign in? I have to break this stupid thing.

It's not like "The Other" is that one in a million, never find anything better, once in a lifetime guy I'm letting go. Honestly if he were I wouldn't let him go now would I? Besides I already have that one in a million, never find anything better, once in a lifetime love with "The One" that's why he is "THE ONE".

Speaking of "The One". . . It could just be that we are several hundred miles apart, but he seems rather distant. There doesn't seem to be that much for us to talk about. When we do talk it's mostly details of how to make things work (financing, visitors coming, holiday plans) interrupted by the occasional spontaneous "I love you" to fill the silence. Maybe it's just in my head because I feel like I should be talking to him about things I simply will not talk to him about on the phone, but things that need to be addressed, things that fill my thoughts blocking out most other conversation.

I told "The One" about my hot lesbian dream. He seemed to like the idea. But what man wouldn't like the idea of his wife being turned on by hot lesbians. I'm pretty sure he'd be upset if I did what those hot lesbians were doing (especially if he weren't allowed to watch) but it's really mostly the fantasy. Fantasies are fun, they are what allow us to be as naughty as we want to be without having to actually deal with the consequences. I'm not so into the consequences of being naughty. I'd much rather avoid that whole having everyone think I'm nuts and perverted and shun me from normal society stuff. Still. . . I can't help but wonder.

I wonder a lot. I wonder what it would be like to get into a hot Lesbian relationship, or into swinging, or polyamory or any number of slightly abnormal sexual behaviors. But mostly I wonder if I'd have to live in another state, FAR away from family and current friends to be able to live that lifestyle openly and not have too many repercussions. And look at that I've managed to find stuff to do online for another 40 min. Even tho I know I should be signing off and getting into bed right now, I'll bet there is a very good chance I'm sitting right here in another 20 minutes, reading random blogs, just waiting till he signs in.