Assimilation

Can't do it anymore. We reached that level where we can't even pretend to be just friends. Since "The Other" and I can't be just friends and we can't be lovers. . . We can't be anything. I know I've stated so many times before that I cut off communication, but this time I'm serious. I don't have it in the back of my head that in a week or two I'll give in and things will go back to the way they were. It's too far to go back now. I have the idea in the back of my head that someday we will talk again, but it won't be soon. Probably not for years.

We (I mean I) decided this before we split company today, he knows, he understands (I think) and telling myself not to look back as I walked away from the car he drove off in was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. More so was the time after when I felt pain and loss but couldn't show it because of the company I was with, and because the company had just arrived and I am excited to see them I couldn't even ask to be alone to assimilate the situation. (that and explaining what was going on was definitely not an option). I guess that is why I'm writing now that everyone else has gone to sleep. I need a moment to let it sink in.

"The One". . . Hopefully with "The Other's" departure from my daily life, I'll be able to focus more on "The One". Maybe I'll be able to keep my head on straight and treasure him the way he deserves to be cherished.

If not, well I'm slowly working the idea of a hot blond in our bed. . . "The One" seems to be coming around to the idea, but that's as long as it's just an idea. Like the idea of me "having my cake and eating it too" with "The Other" as long as it was an abstract idea it was ok. The actual practice of such ideas is where the line seems to get drawn.