Missed opportunities.

Often times a simple word, a simple action, a simple comment could have changed a lifetimes worth of events. In the case of relationships that could have been they are referred to as the "if only". If only I had known then. . .

There have been many opportunities for me to know what "The One" or "The Other" were truly thinking that would have definitely changed my actions, but alas they told me to make up my own mind, without knowing their opinions. Never mind that the opinion of one of them might have drastically changed the outcome of any of the events. Some of the main missed opportunities in my life that involved "The One" or "The Other" are:

The first annual work camp out that ended up after the first hour or two with just "The Other" and I sitting alone by a fire getting to know each other. Although I was a virgin, I must have been ovulating and if he had told me he wanted me then I probably would have taken him. I can guarentee if he had asked I would have at least made out with him.

I broke up with "The One" the summer before we got married and I half expected "The Other" to make a move, or at least tell me he wanted to make a move. He never did. And I got back together with "The One"

"The One" was being told by his mom that I was evil incarnate, and I felt like I was losing him. So one late night after work "The Other" and I sat by a lake in his car and talked about everything. He tried then to tell me how he felt without ever actually saying anything, and I completely missed it between him giving me the advise that would lead to my marriage and years of happiness that followed. Having known then might have really changed things. It was because of that conversation that the activities that let to the lovechild's conception took place.

"The One" proposed and then unproposed to me enough times that I really questioned how he truly felt. I don't think I ever got a straight answer, and I sometimes feel like the only reason he married me was because of a guilt trip set by my pastor and my swearing up and down that if he left me pregnant I'd never allow him to see the child. I often feel like I should have left the decision to him, but if my pull hadn't outweighed his mother's (she was adamant that marriage would be the ruin of him) then he would have missed the first year of his child's life, and I would have been a single mom working my ass off before I died of a horrible disease and left the child in the hands of a father who had never met him. Actually I just wish he had owned how he felt and hadn't let the women in his life make the decision without knowing for sure how he really felt.

When "The Other" and I began to talk online every night, I asked "The One" how this made him feel and he said that he didn't care. And he probably didn't, it was mostly harmless back then, but if it had made him at all nervous that would have been a great time to speak up.

"The One" went on a trip, I invited "The Other" down and that was the beginning of bad things. I told "The One" all about what happened with "The Other" and instead of telling me I should never speak to another man again as long as I live, he said it was my decision.

Any of the times I have cut things off with "The Other" he has told me it was my decision and he would abide by it. Fuck that, I know he wanted to say something along the lines of don't you even think about it, I want you more, and I'm going to have you. But not a once was anything remotlely like that said.

After the "all's fair in love and war" conversation I talked about things with "The One" and instead of telling me that he didn't think it was a good idea, or that he would be jealous and he wanted me all to himself, he simply told me to do what I needed to, that I could make my own decisions based on how I felt. I even tried explaining to him that his opinion made a huge impact on my actions, but he refused to offer an opinion other than it was my choice.

So I made some of my choices based on the way I felt and then I found out all sorts of opinions that would have impacted my actions had I known about them previously.

Even now neither of them are stating their real opinions. "The One" holds firm to his idea that I should make my decision not knowing how he feels about it, because obviously I know what he's thinking and know how he feels about it, because it's just so fuckingobvious that I couldn't get the answer wrong.

And we won't even go into "The Other" and not doing anything with the way he feels. That'd be a whole other long rant that I don't have an inclination for.

Suffice to say, open and honest communication would have helped.