I feel so inadequate every time I talk with "The One" about who I want to be sexually. It always starts off with good intentions. I intend to tell him how I feel and what I'd like and that we need to find a way to make it work because that's simply who I am. It always ends up with me dieing inside wishing I felt nothing at all that could ever hurt him and I generally never even get to the point I wanted to make. I just look up into his eyes, see his pain at my stupidity at not being able to be good, and I die inside. I just want to slink away into a corner and hide. I don't want him to see me, I don't want him to know how I truly feel, because it hurts him and his pain hurts me.

and then when I am hidden away, I resent him for either not saying how he really feels or for not letting me say how I really feel. I resent him for making me feel small and inferior and undesirable. I always come away feeling undesirable and unworthy and unlovable.

Speaking of not so pleasant feelings I think I felt my first twinge of jealousy tonight. "The Other" and I were having one of our marathon online chats and he told me about a girl at work that he was flirting with and is going to ask out. I'm not the jealous type and I honestly think him having a real girlfriend who could be with him openly would be great for him. I encouraged him to ask her out, but for a moment I was overcome with this reeling feeling of how could he know enough about this girl to want to ask her out without me ever hearing about her. What happens if she's all that and he fades away from being in my life because he is so busy being a great lover for her (and I certainly hope he is, kind of). But for a moment I felt that fear of loss, and the best word for that feeling is jealousy. It passed in about a minute but it was a weird experience anyway.

"The One" and I have put our profile on a polypersonals site in search of a girl that we can get to know. I still get the impression that it's not really ok with "The One" but as long as it's just an abstract idea and I haven't found that girl, he'll smile and say it sounds great.