Many Loves

My how time flies. I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy, spent four days this week with contractions and nothing to show for it but a dirtier house. Part of the mess might be the many "new loves" that have taken over the household. "The One" and I have taken in four (yeah I said FOUR) foster children with a bend toward permanent placement of said children in our home. So in a matter of only six months we will go from one child to six. This has in so many ways shaken up the household. And right after I went and said it would be a bad time to add something.

"The One" has risen to the challenges of life with five and half kids. He works hard to help around the house, to comfort and get to know the new kids, and has taken over most of my work at our store while not neglecting his own job there. He constantly boggles my mind with how he gets it all done, but mostly by how he still makes sure that I have time to myself and tries to make sure I don't get too overwhelmed by it all. (no easy undertaking with a moody pregnant woman)

"The Other" . . . well there isn't much to update on him, being as he's been laying in a box for over a year now. I still ache for him, probably always will. They say the ache goes away over time, but it doesn't, you just learn to live with it constantly there, and in some cases you get so busy that you don't have time to think about it until you are alone in bed and even then you are too tired to dwell on anything.

love-children

Numerous attempts at pregnancy over the last few years have led only to shattered hopes and lots of miscarriages. The last miscarriage being the same week as "The Other's" death. So when I found out I was pregnant again, I felt almost as much despair as hope. Fortunately the hope has won out so far as I'm 15 weeks along now and everything looks good.

"The One" and the lovechild are so excited about the baby. It's been nice to get far enough along to suspect it won't end in mind crushing emotional defeat. The pregnancy has been harder than most of my others, and even while I'm crying at some random commercial, I take all the throwing up and emotional upheaval as a good sign.

I'm still staying in contact with "The Other's" mom. She has never asked, and I've never told, but it's a comfortable elephant now. I'm no longer waiting, I assume she knows but doesn't want anything confirmed. Otherwise I'm doing rather well with the whole losing him thing. There is still a tender red scar from it, and I'd be lieing if I said i don't miss him, but at least it doesn't feel so much like an open wound anymore.

As for anyone else, well I have to admit as the pregnancy goes along I have less and less desire for anyone other than the father of my children. It seems like such a bad time to introduce something new and confusing. And honestly I haven't even read a profile or come across anyone that I thought even remotely qualified to get to know that well. Most people that contact me through dating sites I wouldn't even want to be friends with. I guess if the time and person are ever right that it'll just happen. I've been extremely lucky in love so far, and if two true loves is all I ever get, then it's still so much more than most people ever do. And really if it isn't that amazing undeniable deeper than you could ever imagine friendship and love, what's the point?

It's been over a year now since "The Other" got sick. Although life seems to be moving on, the pain of missing him is still overwhelming at times. I miss him most at night when "The One" is at work. It's hard not having that support, not waking up and getting dressed up just to see the look in his eyes when he sees me that day.

Secret Admirer

A long time back when I was just a newly wed little notes would appear on the dining room table or on my pillow or in my coat pocket. They were well written proclamations of love and adoration signed my secret admirer. And although the writing style was clearly that of "The One's" he vehemently denied ever writing them. I treasure the notes and have locked away in keepsake box. One of very few sentimental things I am attached to. About three to four years back the notes stopped coming. But it was the same time "The Other" and I started dating and life became overly busy with work and friends and family so I didn't really notice. This year for valentines day I received a package from my secret admirer again. "The Other" is truly fantastic. I'm quite certain I'm still head over heals for him.

I don't think I ever realized how much of an impact "The Other" had on my relationship with "The One". It feels weird not to have those same effects and to see how things are changing. I've noticed a lot more attentiveness from "The One" I have to wonder if that is in part because I've got an obvious depression going on, or if it's more that my sex drive seems to have slowed to a snails pace and he just wants it more.

"The Other" still fills my thoughts. I haven't had a night in months that he hasn't been in my dreams. It has never been unusual for "The Other" to appear in my dreams, but these ones are different. It's a very comfortable, we both know the situation and we just talk, about everything and nothing all night. Sometimes I wake up refreshed and happy from it and other times I wake up longing so bad that it ruins my whole day.

Work. It's been hard lately. I miss staying up all night talking business plans at Perkins. I miss having someone with whom the communication and desire to make the place better was something that permeated everything. I miss dressing up for work and getting there early just to see the look in his eyes when I walked in the door. "The Other" helped drive my passion for making the place thrive. I miss the passion. (and honestly I rather dislike some of the newer clientel)

Merry Christmas

We had ourselves a merry little christmas. We didn't travel and it was extremely nice. Our house shows signs of company but it's not so bad after having 11 people over for a holiday. That's considered a very small gathering in my family. "The One's" sister and two daughters are coming to visit this weekend. It will be wonderful to see them again. We haven't even met the littlest one yet.

"The Other's" mom and I have been staying in touch, a lot of chatter, I keep waiting for her to ask what was really between "The Other" and I, but so far it's a topic she hasn't breeched at all. I haven't been out to the headstone in a while. "The Other" isn't really there so it doesn't feel worth the drive to sit in the cold when I can talk to him in my head anywhere anytime. Often when I'm laying down I can feel him beside me like he so often used to do.

Last night "The Other's" best friend and "The One" and I went to see a movie to help make up for "The Other's" tradition of going with his best friend after family events on christmas day. I don't think it really helped him too much. There really isn't any replacement.

There is nothing on the new other's front. Neither "The One" nor I seem that interested at the moment. I figure if the time and person are ever right it'll happen till then I won't worry. It's kinda nice to just be a family. To spend all that time and energy on each other instead.

3rd Time is the Charm

Today is three months from "The Other's" death. It's been three months and life is falling back into a routine, moving on and going forward. I spend most of my days working and playing and generally smiling. I make trips to the cemetery to talk to a stone a lot less frequently than I used to, but I talk with him in my head like I did when I was really ill and he wasn't around. I'd say on the whole that it appears that time and love is healing the wound.

"The One" is simply the most adorable man in existence. His laughter and hard work and charm are incredibly sexy. I am truly the luckiest lady ever. I just wish I had more time to spend letting him know how much I adore him.

I went with a friend to see "The Other's" mom today and they had a happy little chat. I mostly just listened. but while I was on a phone call I overheard just enough of something to suspect there is something I'm not being told about the visits to the medium that "The Other's" mom, sister and a few others made. I just assumed that if "The Other" had said something either about or to me that they would have shared it with me, but perhaps I am mistaken. I don't think they have any idea what it could mean to me, although I have to admit on the whole I think the medium is a phony who is making a great deal of money off "The Other's" death.

Annual Pain

Here it is again, mid September. I died seven years ago around this time and every year I have to deal with it again.

It's weired to think that seven years ago I completed my life's mission and was ready to move on to something else. I stayed because "The Other" asked me to. Sure there were lots of good reasons, but the one that tipped the balance was "The Other" asking me to stay. It's like I've been on a seven year sabatical, a vacation if you will for seven years. And now the reason I stayed isn't even here. The past six years he has been here when the annual stuff hits. He always had just the right thing to say, just the right hug and he always made me glad I stayed. I miss him. Life has almost returned to normal. I function and spend the majority of my time happy but his presence still lingers with me. I still hurt at the thought of not feeling his hugs.
I feel like I'm healing faster than the average person. I account this to the fact "The Other" really loved me. I was without a doubt the love of his life and I feel very much like he gave part of his soul to keep me here. I'll treasure that piece I have.

"The One" and I have put in a ton of work lately. It will continue far into next week. We had a wonderful working vacation and I fear it will be a while before we are able to catch up on our sleep. He's been wonderfully hard working, and wonderful at taking time for fun too. He makes me feel so loved.

Just before "The One" and I left for vacation I came across an online article on borderline personalities and I found it erily remanicent of the lady I've mentioned in the last few posts. I shared it "The One" and he agreed. Not sure what to make of it. Speaking of said lady, she is all jumping to conclusions again.